It had been ecstasy. Oh, hateful!
She could never look him in the face again.
He was so justified.
He had been right not to marry her, for she was worthless; she was no better than a harlot.
Oh, worse, for those poor women gave themselves for bread.
And in this house too into which Dorothy had taken her in her sorrow and cruel desolation!
Her shoulders shook with her sobs.
Everything was gone now.
She had thought herself changed, she had thought herself strong, she thought she had returned to Hong Kong a woman who possessed herself; new ideas flitted about her heart like little yellow butterflies in the sunshine and she had hoped to be so much better in the future; freedom like a spirit of light had beckoned her on, and the world was like a spacious plain through which she could walk light of foot and with head erect.
She had thought herself free from lust and vile passions, free to live the clean and healthy life of the spirit; she had likened herself to the white egrets that fly with leisurely flight across the rice-fields at dusk and they are like the soaring thoughts of a mind at rest with itself; and she was a slave.
Weak, weak!
It was hopeless, it was no good to try, she was a slut.
She would not go in to dinner.
She sent the boy to tell Dorothy that she had a headache and preferred to remain in her room.
Dorothy came in and, seeing her red, swollen eyes, talked for a little in her gentle, commiserating way of trivial things.
Kitty knew that Dorothy thought she had been crying on account of Walter and, sympathizing like the good and loving wife she was, respected the natural sorrow.
"I know it's very hard, dear," she said as she left Kitty. "But you must try to have courage.
I'm sure your dear husband wouldn't wish you to grieve for him."
LXXVII
BUT next morning Kitty rose early and leaving a note for Dorothy to say that she was gone out on business took a tram down the hill.
She made her way through the crowded streets with their motor cars, rickshaws, and chairs, and the motley throng of Europeans and Chinese, to the offices of the P. amp; O. Company.
A ship was sailing in two days, the first ship out of the port, and she had made up her mind that at all costs she must go on it.
When the clerk told her that every berth was booked she asked to see the chief agent.
She sent in her name and the agent, whom she had met before, came out to fetch her into his office.
He knew her circumstances and when she told him what she wished he sent for the passenger list.
He looked at it with perplexity.
"I beseech you to do what you can for me," she urged him.
"I don't think there's anyone in the Colony who wouldn't do anything in the world for you, Mrs. Fane," he answered.
He sent for a clerk and made enquiries. Then he nodded.
"I'm going to shift one or two people.
I know you want to get home and I think we ought to do our best for you.
I can give you a little cabin to yourself.
I expect you'd prefer that."
She thanked him. She left him with an elated heart.
Flight: that was her only thought.
Flight!
She sent a cable to her father to announce her immediate return; she had already cabled to him to say that Walter was dead; and then went back again to the Townsends to tell Dorothy what she had done.
"We shall be dreadfully sorry to lose you," the kind creature said, "but of course I understand that you want to be with your mother and father."
Since her return to Hong Kong Kitty had hesitated from day to day to go to her house.
She dreaded entering it again and meeting face to face the recollections with which it was peopled.
But now she had no alternative.
Townsend had arranged for the sale of the furniture and he had found some one eager to take on the lease, but there were all her clothes and Walter's, for they had taken next to nothing to Mei-Tan-Fu, and there were books, photographs, and various odds and ends.
Kitty, indifferent to everything and anxious to cut herself off completely from the past, realized that it would outrage the susceptibilities of the Colony if she allowed these things to go with the rest to an auction-room.
They must be packed and sent to her.
So after tiffin she prepared to go to the house.
Dorothy, eager to give her help, offered to accompany her, but Kitty begged to be allowed to go alone.
She agreed that two of Dorothy's boys should come and assist in the packing.
The house had been left in charge of the head boy and he opened the door for Kitty.
It was curious to go into her own house as though she were a stranger.
It was neat and clean. Everything was in its place, ready for her use, but although the day was warm and sunny there was about the silent rooms a chill and desodolate air.