'You doubt it?'
'Well—I begin to.'
There was a long pause.
'Life has all kinds of things,' said Birkin. 'There isn't only one road.'
'Yes, I believe that too.
I believe it.
And mind you, I don't care how it is with me—I don't care how it is—so long as I don't feel—' he paused, and a blank, barren look passed over his face, to express his feeling—'so long as I feel I've LIVED, somehow—and I don't care how it is—but I want to feel that—'
'Fulfilled,' said Birkin.
'We-ell, perhaps it is fulfilled; I don't use the same words as you.'
'It is the same.'
Chapter 21 Threshold
Gudrun was away in London, having a little show of her work, with a friend, and looking round, preparing for flight from Beldover.
Come what might she would be on the wing in a very short time.
She received a letter from Winifred Crich, ornamented with drawings.
'Father also has been to London, to be examined by the doctors.
It made him very tired.
They say he must rest a very great deal, so he is mostly in bed.
He brought me a lovely tropical parrot in faience, of Dresden ware, also a man ploughing, and two mice climbing up a stalk, also in faience.
The mice were Copenhagen ware.
They are the best, but mice don't shine so much, otherwise they are very good, their tails are slim and long.
They all shine nearly like glass.
Of course it is the glaze, but I don't like it.
Gerald likes the man ploughing the best, his trousers are torn, he is ploughing with an ox, being I suppose a German peasant.
It is all grey and white, white shirt and grey trousers, but very shiny and clean.
Mr Birkin likes the girl best, under the hawthorn blossom, with a lamb, and with daffodils painted on her skirts, in the drawing room.
But that is silly, because the lamb is not a real lamb, and she is silly too.
'Dear Miss Brangwen, are you coming back soon, you are very much missed here.
I enclose a drawing of father sitting up in bed.
He says he hopes you are not going to forsake us.
Oh dear Miss Brangwen, I am sure you won't.
Do come back and draw the ferrets, they are the most lovely noble darlings in the world.
We might carve them in holly-wood, playing against a background of green leaves.
Oh do let us, for they are most beautiful.
'Father says we might have a studio.
Gerald says we could easily have a beautiful one over the stables, it would only need windows to be put in the slant of the roof, which is a simple matter.
Then you could stay here all day and work, and we could live in the studio, like two real artists, like the man in the picture in the hall, with the frying-pan and the walls all covered with drawings.
I long to be free, to live the free life of an artist.
Even Gerald told father that only an artist is free, because he lives in a creative world of his own—'
Gudrun caught the drift of the family intentions, in this letter.
Gerald wanted her to be attached to the household at Shortlands, he was using Winifred as his stalking-horse.
The father thought only of his child, he saw a rock of salvation in Gudrun.
And Gudrun admired him for his perspicacity.
The child, moreover, was really exceptional.
Gudrun was quite content.
She was quite willing, given a studio, to spend her days at Shortlands.
She disliked the Grammar School already thoroughly, she wanted to be free.
If a studio were provided, she would be free to go on with her work, she would await the turn of events with complete serenity.
And she was really interested in Winifred, she would be quite glad to understand the girl.
So there was quite a little festivity on Winifred's account, the day Gudrun returned to Shortlands.
'You should make a bunch of flowers to give to Miss Brangwen when she arrives,' Gerald said smiling to his sister.