Ilya Ilf and Evgeny Petrov Fullscreen Twelve chairs (1928)

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Would make a good paperweight.

No use for anything else.

Going at the marked price, one bust of Alexander the Third."

There was laughter among the audience.

"Buy it, Marshal," said Ostap sarcastically. "You like that sort of thing."

Ippolit Matveyevich made no reply; he could not take his eyes off the chairs.

"No offers?

The bust of Alexander the Third is removed from sale.

A figure depicting Justice.

Apparently the twin of the one just sold.

Basil, hold up the Justice.

Five roubles.

Who'll give me more?"

There was a snuffling sound from the first row.

The citizen evidently wanted a complete set of Justices.

"Five roubles for the bronze Justice."

"Six!" sang out the citizen.

"Six roubles in front.

Seven.

Nine roubles on the right at the end."

"Nine and a half," said the lover of Justice quietly, raising his hand.

"Nine and a half in front.

Going for nine and a half.

Going.

Gone!"

The hammer came down and the girl hastened over to the citizen in the first row.

He paid up and wandered off into the next room to receive his bronze.

"Ten chairs from a palace," said the auctioneer suddenly.

"Why from a palace? " gasped Ippolit Matveyevich quietly.

Ostap became angry.

"To hell with you!

Listen and stop fooling!"

"Ten chairs from a palace, Walnut.

Period of Alexander the Second.

In perfect condition.

Made by the cabinet-maker Hambs.

Basil, hold one of the chairs under the light."

Basil seized the chair so roughly that Ippolit Matveyevich half stood up.

"Sit down, you damned idiot," hissed Ostap. "Sit down, I tell you. You make me sick!"

Ippolit Matveyevich's jaw had dropped.

Ostap was pointing like a setter.

His eyes shone.

"Ten walnut chairs.

Eighty roubles."

There was a stir in the room.

Something of use in the house was being sold.

One after another the hands flew up.

Ostap remained calm. 146

"Why don't you bid?" snapped Vorobyaninov.

"Get out!" retorted Ostap, clenching his teeth.