Ilya Ilf and Evgeny Petrov Fullscreen Twelve chairs (1928)

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A tramline would pay for itself in six years."

His withered moustache drooped angrily, and his snub-nosed face worked convulsively.

He took some blueprints out of the desk and showed them to his wife for the thousandth time.

They were plans for a terminus, depot and twelve tramcar routes.

"To hell with twelve routes!

They can wait.

But three! Three!

Stargorod will choke without them!"

Treukhov snorted and went into the kitchen to chop wood.

He did all the household chores himself.

He designed and built a cradle for the baby and also constructed a washing-machine.

For a while he washed the clothes in it himself, explaining to his wife how to work the machine.

At least a fifth of Treukhov's salary went on subscriptions to foreign technical literature.

To make ends meet he gave up smoking.

He took his project to Gavrilin, the new chief of the Stargorod communal services who had been transferred from Samarkand.

The new chief, deeply tanned by the Tunisian sun, listened to Treukhov for some time, though without particular attention, and finally said:

"In Samarkand, you know, we don't need trams.

Everyone rides donkeys.

A donkey costs three roubles-dirt cheap-and it can carry about three hundred pounds.

Just a little donkey; it's amazing!"

"But that's Asia," said Treukhov angrily. "A donkey costs three roubles, but you need thirty roubles a year to feed it."

"And how many times do you think you can travel on your trams for thirty roubles?

Three hundred.

And that's not even every day for a year."

"Then you'd better send for some of your donkeys," shouted Treukhov and rushed out of the office, slamming the door.

Whenever he met Treukhov from that time on, the new chief would ask derisively:

"Well, then, shall we send for donkeys or build a tramway?"

Gavrilin's face was like a smoothly-peeled turnip.

His eyes were filled with cunning.

About two months later he sent for the engineer and said to him earnestly:

"I have a little plan.

One thing is clear, though; there's no money, and a tramline is not like a donkey-it can't be bought for three roubles.

We'll have to get some funds.

What practical solution is there?

A shareholding company?

What else?

A loan repayable with interest!

How long will it take for a tramline to pay for itself? "

"Six years from the opening of the first three routes."

"Well, let's say ten years then.

Now, the shareholding company.

Who will buy the shares?

The food co-operatives and the-central union of dairy co-operatives. Do the ropemakers need trams? Yes, they do.

We will be dispatching freight cars to the railway station.

So that's the ropemakers. The Ministry of Transport may contribute something, and also the province executive committee.

That's definite.

And once we've got things going, the State Bank and the Commercial Bank will give us loans.

So that's my little plan. It is going to be discussed at the executive committee meeting on Friday, and if they agree, the rest is up to you."

Treukhov stayed up till the early hours, excitedly washing clothes and explaining to his wife the advantages of trams over horse-drawn transportation.

The decision taken on the Friday was favourable.