Ilya Ilf and Evgeny Petrov Fullscreen Twelve chairs (1928)

Pause

Office

Engine Room

To the larger plates the man with the imperial added smaller plates.

No entry except on business

No consultations

No admittance to outsiders

All inquiries at the registry

The first-class saloon had been fitted up for an exhibition of bank notes and bonds.

This aroused a wave of indignation from Galkin, Palkin, Malkin, Chalkin and Zalkind.

"Where are we going to eat?" they fretted. "And what happens if it rains?"

"This is too much," said Nich. Sestrin to his assistant.

"What do you think, Seryozha? Can we do without the sound effects?"

"Lord, no, Nicholas Constantinovich.

The actors are used to the rhythm by now."

A fresh racket broke out.

The "Five" had found that the stage manager had taken all four chairs to his cabin.

"So that's it," said the "Five" ironically. "We're supposed to rehearse sitting on our berths, while Sestrin and his wife, Gusta, who has nothing to do with our group, sit on the four chairs.

Perhaps we should have brought our own wives with us on this trip."

The lottery ship was watched malevolently from the bank by the smooth operator.

A fresh outbreak of shouting reached the concessionaires' ears.

"Why didn't you tell me before?" cried a committee member.

"How was I to know he would fall ill."

"A hell of a mess we're in!

Then go to the artists'-union office and insist that an artist be sent here immediately."

"How can I?

It's now six o'clock.

The union office closed long ago.

Anyway, the ship is leaving in half an hour."

"Then you can do the painting yourself.

Since you're responsible for the decorations on the ship, get out of the mess any way you like!"

Ostap was already running up the gangplank, elbowing his way through the dockers, young ladies, and idle onlookers.

He was stopped at the top.

"Your pass?'

"Comrade!" roared Bender. "You!

You!

The little fat man!

The one who needs an artist!"

Five minutes later the smooth operator was sitting in the white cabin occupied by the fat little assistant manager of the floating lottery, and discussing terms.

"So we want you to do the following, Comrade," said fatty. "Paint notices, inscriptions, and complete the transparent.

Our artist began the work, but is now ill.

We've left him at the hospital.

And, of course, general supervision of the art department.

Can you take that on?

I warn you, incidentally, there's a great deal of work."

"Yes, I can undertake that.

I've had occasion to do that kind of work before."

"And you can come along with us now?"

"That will be difficult, but I'll try."

A large and heavy burden fell from the shoulders of the assistant manager.

With a feeling of relief, the fat man looked at the new artist with shining eyes.