‘I can’t think what put such an idea in your head.’
He did not answer, so that she had to speak again.
‘Aren’t you happy?’
‘Quite,’ he smiled.
‘What is it you want?’
Once again he gave her his disconcerting stare.
It was hard to know if he was serious, for his eyes faintly shimmered with amusement.
‘Reality.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘You see, I’ve lived all my life in an atmosphere of make-believe.
I want to get down to brass tacks.
You and father are all right breathing this air, it’s the only air you know and you think it’s the air of heaven.
It stifles me.’
Julia listened to him attentively, trying to understand what he meant.
‘We’re actors, and successful ones. That’s why we’ve been able to surround you with every luxury since you were born.
You could count on the fingers of one hand the actors who’ve sent their son to Eton.’
‘I’m very grateful for all you’ve done for me.’
‘Then what are you reproaching us for?’
‘I’m not reproaching you.
You’ve done everything you could for me.
Unfortunately for me you’ve taken away my belief in everything.’
‘We’ve never interfered with your beliefs.
I know we’re not religious people, we’re actors, and after eight performances a week one wants one’s Sundays to oneself.
I naturally expected they’d see to all that at school.’
He hesitated a little before he spoke again.
One might have thought that he had to make a slight effort over himself to continue.
‘When I was just a kid, I was fourteen, I was standing one night in the wings watching you act.
It must have been a pretty good scene, you said the things you had to say so sincerely, and what you were saying was so moving, I couldn’t help crying.
I was all worked up. I don’t know how to say it quite, I was uplifted; I felt terribly sorry for you, I felt a bloody little hero; I felt I’d never do anything again that was beastly or underhand.
And then you had to come to the back of the stage, near where I was standing, the tears were streaming down your face; you stood with your back to the audience and in your ordinary voice you said to the stage manager: what the bloody hell is that electrician doing with the lights?
I told him to leave out the blue.
And then in the same breath you turned round and faced the audience with a great cry of anguish and went on with the scene.’
‘But, darling, that was acting.
If an actress felt the emotions she represented she’d tear herself to pieces.
I remember the scene well.
It used to bring down the house.
I’ve never heard such applause in my life.’
‘I suppose I was a fool to be taken in by it.
I believed you meant what you said.
When I saw that it was all pretence it smashed something.
I’ve never believed in you since.
I’d been made a fool of once; I made up my mind that I wouldn’t ever be made a fool of again.’
She gave him her delightful and disarming smile.
‘Darling, I think you’re talking nonsense.’
‘Of course you do.
You don’t know the difference between truth and make-believe.
You never stop acting.
It’s second nature to you.
You act when there’s a party here.
You act to the servants, you act to father, you act to me.