But now hear the main thing: I've thought for a long time, and I've finally chosen you.
I don't want them to laugh at me at home; I don't want them to consider me a little fool; I don't want them to tease me ... I understood it all at once and flatly refused Evgeny Pavlych, because I don't want them to be constantly marrying me off!
I want ... I want . . .well, I want to run away from home, and I've chosen you to help me."
"To run away from home!" the prince cried.
"Yes, yes, yes, to run away from home!" she cried suddenly, blazing up with extraordinary wrath. "I don't, I don't want them to be eternally making me blush there.
I don't want to blush either before them, or before Prince Shch., or before Evgeny Pavlych, or before anybody, and so I've chosen you.
I want to talk about everything with you, everything, even the main thing, whenever I like; and you, for your part, must hide nothing from me.
I want to talk about everything with at least one person as I would with myself.
They suddenly started saying that I was waiting for you and that I loved you.
That was before you arrived, and I didn't show them your letter; but now they all say it.
I want to be brave and not afraid of anything.
I don't want to go to their balls, I want to be useful.
I wanted to leave long ago.
They've kept me bottled up for twenty years, and they all want to get me married.
When I was fourteen I already thought of running away, though I was a fool.
Now I have it all worked out and was waiting for you, to ask you all about life abroad.
I've never seen a single gothic cathedral, I want to be in Rome, I want to examine all the learned collections, I want to study in Paris; all this past year I've been preparing and studying, and I've read a great many books; I've read all the forbidden books.
Alexandra and Adelaida have read all the books; they're allowed but I'm forbidden, they supervise me.
I don't want to quarrel with my sisters, but I announced to my father and mother long ago that I want to change my social position completely.
I've decided to occupy myself with education, and I'm counting on you, because you said you loved children.
Can we occupy ourselves with education together, if not now, then in the future?
We'll be useful together; I don't want to be a general's daughter . . . Tell me, are you a very learned man?"
"Oh, not at all."
"That's a pity, and I thought . . . what made me think that?
You'll guide me all the same, because I've chosen you."
"This is absurd, Aglaya Ivanovna."
"I want it, I want to run away from home!" she cried, and again her eyes flashed. "If you don't agree, then I'll marry Gavrila Ardalionovich.
I don't want to be considered a loathsome woman at home and be accused of God knows what."
"Are you out of your mind?" the prince nearly jumped up from his place. "What do they accuse you of? Who accuses you?"
"At home, everybody, my mother, my sisters, my father, Prince Shch., even your loathsome Kolya!
If they don't say it outright, they think it.
I told them all so to their faces, my mother and my father.
Maman was ill for the whole day; and the next day Alexandra and papa told me I didn't understand what I was babbling myself and what kind of words I'd spoken.
At which point I just snapped at them that I already understood everything, all the words, that I was not a little girl, that I had read two novels by Paul de Kock22 on purpose two years ago in order to learn about everything.
When she heard that, maman nearly fainted."
A strange thought suddenly flashed in the prince's head.
He looked intently at Aglaya and smiled.
It was even hard for him to believe that this was the same haughty girl sitting before him who had once so proudly and arrogantly read Gavrila Ardalionovich's letter to him.
He could not understand how such an arrogant, stern beauty could turn out to be such a child, who even now might actually not understand all the words.
"Have you always lived at home, Aglaya Ivanovna?" he asked. "I mean to say, you haven't gone anywhere, to any kind of school, never studied at an institute?"
"I've never gone anywhere; I've always sat at home, bottled up, and I'll get married right out of the bottle. Why are you smiling again?
I notice that you, too, seem to be laughing at me and to be on their side," she added, with a menacing frown. "Don't make me angry, I don't know what's the matter with me as it is . . . I'm sure you've come here completely convinced that I'm in love with you and was inviting you to a tryst," she snapped irritably.
"I actually was afraid of that yesterday," the prince blurted out simple-heartedly (he was very embarrassed), "but today I'm sure that you . . ."
"What!" Aglaya cried, and her lower lip suddenly trembled. "You were afraid that I . . . you dared to think that I . . . Lord!
Maybe you suspected that I invited you here in order to lure you into my nets, and then they would find us here and force you to marry me . . ."
"Aglaya Ivanovna! Aren't you ashamed?
How could such a dirty thought be born in your pure, innocent heart?
I'll bet you yourself don't believe a word you've said and . . . you don't know what you're saying!"
Aglaya sat stubbornly looking down, as if she herself was frightened at what she had said.
"I'm not ashamed at all," she murmured. "How do you know my heart is innocent?