Do you understand?'
'Humbly report, sir, I understand.
There's nothing worse than when someone tells a lie.
As soon as he starts getting tied up he's done for.
In a village behind Pelhrimov there was once a teacher called Marek who used to keep company with the daughter of the gamekeeper Spera.
The gamekeeper gave him to understand that if ever he had a rendezvous with the girl in the forest and he found him there, he'd shoot a brush full of salt into his backside.
The teacher sent him a message that it was not true, but once when he was going to meet the girl the gamekeeper caught him, and was just about to carry out the operation on him when the teacher excused himself by saying that he was only picking flowers.
And then after that he said he had gone to catch some beetles and got more and more tied up until finally he got into a panic and swore that he had gone out to set traps for hares.
And so the good gamekeeper seized him and took him away to the gendarmerie station, and from there the case went to the courts and the teacher might easily have been sent to prison for it.
If he'd said just the bare truth he'd only have got the brushes with the salt. I'm of the opinion that it's always best to confess, to be open and, if I've done something, to come and say:' 'Humbly report, I've done this and that."
And as for honesty that's always a jolly good thing because it's always the best policy.
It's just like in those walking races. As soon as a chap begins to cheat and run he's already disqualified.
That happened to my cousin.
An honest man's respected everywhere, he's honoured, satisfied with himself and feels new-born when he can go to bed and say:
"Today I've played the game again!"
While he was speaking Lieutenant Lukas sat for a long time on his chair, looking at Svejk's boots and thinking:
'My God! I often talk drivel like this too and the only difference is the form I serve it up in.'
Nonetheless, not wishing to lose his authority, he said when Svejk had ended:
'With me you must clean your boots, have your uniform in order, your buttons properly sewn on and give an impression of being a soldier and not a miserable civvy.
It's extraordinary how none of you seem to be able to carry yourselves like soldiers.
Only one of all my batmen looked like a real warrior and in the end he went and stole my fulldress uniform and sold it in the Jewish quarter.'
He was silent and then continued, explaining to Svejk all his duties, in the course of which he did not forget to lay the main emphasis on the fact that he must be loyal and never talk about what was happening at his home.
'Ladies pay me visits,' he added.'
Sometimes one of them stays overnight, if I'm not on duty the next day.
If that happens you'll bring us our coffee in bed, when I ring. Do you understand ? '
'Humbly report, I understand, sir.
If I should come to the bed without warning it might perhaps be disagreeable for a lady.
I once brought a young lady home and my charwoman brought us coffee in bed j ust when we were enjoying ourselves immensely.
She got frightened and poured the coffee all over my back and said into the bargain:
"A very good morning to you."
I know what is seemly and proper, when there's a lady sleeping somewhere.'
'Good, Svejk, we must always show exceptional tact to the ladies,' said the lieutenant, who was getting into a better temper, because the conversation was touching a subject which filled his leisure hours between the barracks, the parade ground and card-playing.
Women were the life and soul of his apartment.
I twas they who made his home for him.
There were several dozen of them and many tried during their stay to adorn his flat with various bric-a-brac.
One lady, the wife of a cafe proprietor, who lived with him for a whole fortnight until her husband came for her and took her home, embroidered for him a delightful table runner, put monograms on all his underclothing and might indeed perhaps have completed the embroidery of the wall hangings, if her husband had not destroyed the idyll.
Another lady, whom her parents fetched after three weeks, wanted to turn his bedroom into a lady's boudoir and placed everywhere various fancy things and little vases and hung a picture of the guardian angel over his bed.
In all corners of his bedroom and dining room the traces of a feminine hand could be felt. And this extended to the kitchen, where could be seen the most varied kitchen implements and utensils, which had been the magnificent gift of the lovesick wife of a factory-owner. Together with her passion she brought with her a gadget for cutting all kinds of greens and cabbages, a machine for making bread crumbs and scraping liver, various casseroles, roasters, frying pans, basting ladles and God knows what else.
But she went away after a week, because she could not reconcile herself to the thought that the lieutenant had besides her some twenty other loves, which left certain traces on the performance of the noble male in uniform.
Lieutenant Lukas also carried on a voluminous correspondence. He had an album of his lady loves and a collection of various relics, because for the last two years he had evinced a tendency to fetishism.
Thus he had a number of different ladies' garters, four delightful pairs of ladies' knickers with embroidery and three transparent fine thin chemises, cambric kerchiefs and even a corset and a number of stockmgs.
'Today I'm on duty,' he said. 'I shan't come back till night.
Have everything ready and put the apartment in order.
My last batman went off today to the front in the march column because of his skulduggery!'
After giving further orders concerning the canary and the Angora cat he went away without forgetting to make a few remarks about honesty and order while still in the doorway.
After his departure Svejk put everything into the finest order, so that when Lieutenant Lukas returned to his home at night he could report to him:
'Humbly report, sir, everything is in order.
Only the cat has got into mischief and eaten up your canary.'
'What?' thundered the lieutenant.
'Humbly report, sir, it was like this: I knew that cats hate canaries and like to insult them.