Speak as long as you like and we shall meanwhile continue our feast.
I hope it won't disturb your story.
Svejk, bring in the food.'
'As you well know,' said the obstinate man, 'a war is raging.
I lent you the sum before the war and if there had not been a war I should not have insisted on the repayment.
But I have had unfortunate experiences.'
He took a notebook from his pocket and continued:
'I have it all recorded here.
Lieutenant Janata owed me seven hundred crowns and had the cheek to fall at the battle of the Drina.
Lieutenant Prasek was captured on the Russian front and owes me two thousand crowns.
Captain Wichterle, owing me the same amount, got himself killed by his own soldiers at Ruska Rava.'
Lieutenant Machek, taken prisoner in Serbia, owes me fifteen hundred crowns. There are more people like that here.
One falls in the Carpathians with an unpaid bill of exchange of mine; another gets taken prisoner; another gets drowned in Serbia; and a fourth dies in a hospital in Hungary.
Now you can understand my fears that this war will ruin me if I'm not energetic and ruthless.
You could say that you are in no direct danger.
But look.'
He thrust his notebook under the nose of the chaplain.
'You see, Chaplain Matyas at Brno died in an isolation hospital a week ago.
I could have torn my hair out.
He owed me eighteen hundred crowns and went into a cholera ward to administer extreme unction to a man who meant nothing to him.'
'That was his duty, my dear sir,' said the chaplain;
'I'm going to administer extreme unction tomorrow too.'
'And in a cholera ward too,' observed Svejk.
'You can go with us so that you can see what it means to sacrifice oneself.'
'Chaplain,' said the obstinate man, 'believe me, I am in a desperate situation.
Is this war being waged to put out of the way all who owe me money?'
'When they call you up and you go to the front,' observed Svejk again, 'the chaplain and I will celebrate Holy Mass, so that it may please God in heaven that the first shell should tear you to pieces.'
'Sir, this is a serious matter,' the leech said to the chaplain.
'I request that your servant should not intervene in our business, so that we can settle it at once.'
'Just as you wish, sir,' replied Svejk. 'Be so good as to order me specifically not to interfere in your affairs, otherwise I shall continue to defend your interests as it befits a decent soldier.
This gentleman is quite right. He wants to go away from here alone.
I don't like scenes either. I'm a social man.'
'Svejk, I'm getting bored with this,' said the chaplain, as though he did not notice the presence of his guest.
'I thought this chap would amuse us, tell us some stories, and instead he asks me to order you not to interfere, although you've had to deal with him twice already.
On an evening like this when I have in front of me such an important religious rite, when I have to turn all my thoughts to God, he bothers me with a stupid story about a wretched twelve hundred crowns, distracts me from searching my conscience and from God and wants me to tell him once more that I'm not going to give him anything at the moment.
I don't want to speak to him any longer, so that this holy evening is not ruined.
You say to him, Svejk:
"The chaplain is not going to give you anything!" ' Svejk discharged the order, bawling it into the guest's ear.
The obstinate guest continued to sit there, however.
'Svejk,' suggested the chaplain, 'ask him how long he intends to sit gaping here?'
'I won't move from here until I get my money!' the leech retorted obstinately.
The chaplain got up, went to the window and said:
'In that case I give him over to you, Svejk.
Do with him what you like.'
'Come here, sir,' said Svejk, seizing the unwelcome guest by the shoulder.
'Third time lucky.'
And he repeated his performance quickly and elegantly, while the chaplain drummed a funeral march on the window.
The evening, which was devoted to meditation, passed through several phases.
The chaplain drew close to God with such piety and ardour that at midnight the following strains could be heard from his apartment:
'When we marched away, The girls all cried their eyes out ...