"That's a snare of the devil," replied the dean.
"According to St Augustine Australia doesn't exist at all and you are just being seduced by the Anti-Christ."
On Sunday he anathematized her publicly and shouted out that Australia didn't exist.
So they took him straight out of the church into the lunatic asylum.
More people like him ought to be put there.
In the Convent of the Sisters of St Ursula they have a bottle of the Holy Virgin's milk with which she suckled the baby Jesus, and in the orphanage at Bene5ov, after they'd brought them water from Lourdes, the orphans got diarrhoea the like of which the world has never seen.'
Black spots were dancing in front of the pious chaplain's eyes and he only came to himself after another cognac, which went to his head. Blinking his eyes he asked Katz:
'Don't you believe in the Immaculate Conception of the Virgin Mary? Don't you believe that the thumb of StJohn the Baptist, which is preserved in the Piarists' monastery, is genuine?
Do you believe in the Lord at all?
And if you don't, why are you a chaplain?'
'My dear colleague,' answered Katz, patting him familiarly on the back, 'until the state recognizes that soldiers who are going to their death at the front don't need the blessing of God for it, the chaplaincy remains a decently paid profession, where a chap isn't overworked.
It was better for me than running about on the drill-ground and going on manoeuvres.
Then I used to get orders from my superiors but now I do what I like.
I represent someone who doesn't exist and myself play the part of God.
If I don't want to absolve any body's sins then I don't, even if they beg me on their bended knees.
But you'd find bloody few people nowadays who'd go that far.'
'I love God,' declared the pious chaplain, beginning to hiccough. 'I love him very much.
Give me a little wine.
I respect God,' he continued.
'I respect and honour him very much. I respect no one as much as I respect him.'
He struck the-table with his fist until the bottles jumped.
'God is an exalted being, something unearthly. He's honourable in his dealings. He's a radiant revelation, and no one's going to convince me of the contrary.
I respect St Joseph too, I respect all the saints, except St Serapion. He's got such an ugly name.'
'He ought to apply to have it changed,' observed Svejk.
'I love St Ludmila and St Bernard,' continued the former catechist.
'He saved many pilgrims in St Gothard.
He carries a bottle of cognac around his neck and looks for people caught in snow drifts.'
The conversation took a new turn.
The pious chaplain started getting completely muddled.
'I honour the Innocents. They have their Saints' day on the twenty-eighth of December.
I hate Herod. When the hens sleep, you can't get any new-laid eggs.'
He gave a guffaw and began to sing
'Holy, Holy, Holy, Lord God of Sabaoth.' He broke off at once, and turning to Katz and getting up asked him sharply:
'You don't believe that the fifteenth of August is the day of the Assumption of the Virgin Mary?'
The fun was in full swing.
More bottles appeared, and from time to time Katz could be heard saying:
'Say that you don't believe in God, otherwise I won't let you have a drop!'
It was as though the times of the persecution of the early Christians had returned.
The former catechist sang a song of the martyrs of the Roman arena and yelled out:
'I believe in God. I won't forswear him.
You can keep your wine.
I can send for some myself.'
Finally they put him to bed.
Before he fell asleep he proclaimed, raising his right hand in a solemn oath:
'I believe in God the Father, Son and Holy Ghost.
Bring me the breviary.'
Svejk put into his hand a book which was lying on the night table. The pious chaplain then fell asleep with Boccaccio's Decameron in his hand.
13
Svejk Administers Extreme Unction
Chaplain Otto Katz sat glumly over a circular which he had just brought from the barracks.