'That's Susanna and the Elders, and that naked woman underneath is an old friend of mine.
On the right there's something Japanese, depicting the sexual act betweeen a geisha and an old Japanese Samurai.
Very original, isn't it?
The breviary's in the kitchen.
Svejk, bring it here and open it on the third page.'
Svejk went away, and from the kitchen could be heard the sound of corks being drawn fi-om three bottles of wine.
The pious chaplain was aghast when the three bottles made their appearance on the table.
'It's a light sacramental wine, brother,' said Katz, 'of very good quality, a Riesling.
It tastes like Moselle.'
'I'm not going to drink,' said the pious chaplain stubbornly.
'I've come to have a heart-to-heart talk with you.'
'That'll dry up your throat, my dear colleague,' said Katz.
'Have a drink and I'll listen.
I'm a very tolerant fellow and can listen to other views.'
The pious chaplain drank a little and rolled his eyes.
'It's a devilish good wine, my dear colleague, isn't it?'
The fanatic said sternly:
'It has not escaped me that you are swearing.'
'That's habit,' answered Katz.
'Sometimes I even catch myself blaspheming.
Pour the chaplain out some more, Svejk.
I can assure you that I also say: "Himmelherrgott, krucifix and sakra."
I think that when you've served in the army as long as I have you'll find yourself doing it too.
It isn't at all difficult or complicated and it's very familiar to us clergy -heaven, God, the cross and the holy sacrament. Doesn't that sound marvellously professional?
Drink a bit more, my dear colleague.'
The former catechist sipped mechanically.
It was obvious that he wanted to say something, but could not.
He was collecting his thoughts.
'My dear colleague,' continued Katz, 'cheer up! Don't sit there so miserably, as though they were going to hang you in five minutes' time.
I've heard about you, how once on a Friday by mistake you ate a pork cutlet in a restaurant, because you thought that it was Thursday, and how you stuck your finger down your throat in the W.C. to get rid of it, because you thought God would obliterate you.
I'm not afraid of eating meat in Lent and I'm not afraid of hell-fire either.
Excuse me, please go on drinking.
Are you better now?
Or do you have progressive views about hell and keep up with the spirit of the times and the reformists?
I mean, instead of ordinary cauldrons with sulphur for poor sinners, there are Papin's pots 1 and high-pressure boilers.
The sinners are fried in margarine, there are grills driven by electricity, steam rollers roll over the sinners for millions of years, the gnashing of the teeth is produced with the help of dentists with special equipment, the howling is recorded on gramophones, and the records are sent upstairs to paradise for the entertainment of the just.
In paradise sprays with eau de cologne operate and the Philharmonic Orchestra plays Brahms so long that you prefer hell and purgatory.
The cherubs have aeroplane propellers in their behinds so as not to have to work so hard with their wings.
Drink, my dear colleague!
Svejk, pour him out some cognac. I don't think he's feeling well.'
When the pious chaplain came round he started to whisper:
'Religion is a matter of rational reasoning. Whoever does not believe in the existence of the Holy Trinity .. .'
'Svejk,' Katz interrupted him, 'pour out one more cognac for the chaplain, so as to bring him round!
Tell him something, Svejk!'
'Humbly report, sir,' said Svejk, 'near Vlasim there was a dean who had a charwoman, when his old housekeeper ran away from him with the boy and the money.
And this dean in his declining years started studying St Augustine, who is said to be one of the Holy Fathers, and he read there that whoever believes in the Antipodes will be damned.
And so he called his charwoman and said to her:
"Listen, you once told me that your son was a fitter and that he went to Australia.
That would be in the Antipodes and according to St Augustine's instructions everyone who believes in the Antipodes is damned."
"Reverend sir," the woman answered, "after all my son sends me letters and money from Australia."