'How are you today, madam? ...
'Axe you going somewhere for the summer?' he said after a short pause, and seeing everything double he asked:
'So you already have a grown-up son, have you?'
Saying this he pointed to Svejk.
'Sit down!' shouted Svejk, when the chaplain tried to climb on to the seat.
'Otherwise I'll teach you how to behave!'
The chaplain became quiet and stared out of the droshky with his little piggy eyes. He had not the faintest idea what was actually happening to him.
He no longer had a clue and turning to Svejk said dejectedly:
'Madam, give me first class.' Then he tried to take his trousers down.
'Button yourself up at once, you swine!' Svejk shouted at him.
'All the droshky drivers know you only too well already.
You spewed all over yourself once, and now this!
Don't imagine you'll get away with it without paying like last time!'
The chaplain with a melancholy expression propped his head on his hands and began to sing:
'No one loves me any more .. .' but he broke off his song suddenly and remarked in German:
'Excuse me, old man. You're a bloody idiot.
I can sing what I like.'
He appeared to want to whistle some tune, but instead he emitted from his mouth such a powerful 'Whoa' that the droshky came to a standstill.
When afterwards at Svejk's order they continued their journey further, the chaplain began to try to light his cigarette holder.
'It doesn't burn,' he said despondently, when he had used up a whole box of matches.
'You're blowing at it.'
But at that moment he lost the thread again and started to laugh:
'This is a lark.
We're alone in the tram, aren't we, my dear colleague?'
He began to rummage in his pockets.
'I've lost my ticket,' he shouted.
'Stop, I must find my ticket!'
He waved his hand resignedly:
'All right, let's go on ... ' He then began to wander:
'In the vast majority of cases .... Yes, all right .... In all cases .... You're quite wrong .... Second floor? ...
That's just an excuse .... It's not my concern, but yours, my dear madam .... Bill, please ....
I had a black coffee!'
In a half dream he began to squabble with an imaginary enemy who was disputing his rights to sit by the window in a restaurant.
Then he began to mistake the droshky for a train and, leaning out of the window, shrieked at the street in Czech and German:
'Nymburk, all change!'
Svejk pulled him back and the chaplain forgot about the train and began to give various animal imitations.
He spent longest over the cock and his cock-a-doodle-do resounded triumphantly from the droshky.
For some time he was very active and restless and tried to fall out of the droshky, swearing at the passers-by and calling them guttersnipes.
Then he threw his handkerchief out of the droshky and shouted that they must stop because he had lost his luggage.
Then he began to tell a story: ' In Budejovice there was once a drummer.
He got married. A year later he died.'
He burst out laughing: ' Isn't that a good story?'
All this time Svejk treated the chaplain with ruthless severity.
On the various occasions when the chaplain tried some tricks on him such as falling out of the droshky, or breaking the seat, Svejk gave him one or two punches under the ribs, which the chaplain accepted with unusual apathy.
Only once did he make an attempt to mutiny and jump out of the droshky, saying that he wouldn't go any further and that he knew that they were going to Podmokly instead of Budejovice.
In the course of one minute Svejk had liquidated his mutiny completely and forced him to return to his previous position on the seat, taking care that he did not fall asleep.
The mildest thing he said during all this was:
'Don't fall asleep, you death's-head!'
Suddenly the chaplain had an attack of melancholy and began to sob, asking Svejk whether he had a mother.
'Folks, I'm all alone in this world,' he shouted from the droshky. 'Take care of me!'