Just have a look at this soldier here.
I borrowed him for the day from Lieutenant Feldhuber. He's his batman.
And he doesn't drink anything. He is at -t-total abstainer, and that's why he is going to be drafted to the front.
Be-because a man like him is no use to me.
He's not a batman, he's a cow.
A cow also drinks only water and lows like an ox.
'You're a teetotaller,' he said, addressing the soldier.
'You ought to be ashamed of yourself, you nincompoop.
You deserve a few across the jaw.'
The chaplain addressed himself to those who had escorted Svejk and who in their endeavour to stand straight were wobbling about, vainly trying to prop themselves up on their rifles.
'You are dr- drunk,' said the chaplain.
'You got drunk while on duty, and I'm going to have you 1-locked up for that.
Svejk, remove their rifles and take them into the kitchen. You're to guard them until the patrol comes to fetch them.
I shall teleph-teleph-telephone to the barracks.'
And so on this occasion too the truth of Napoleon's saying,
'In war the situation changes every moment', was entirely borne out. In the morning these two had led Svejk under bayonet escort and had been afraid he might run away. Then he led them and now finally had to guard them.
They were not at first fully aware of this rapid change of fortune and it only dawned on them when they were sitting in the kitchen and saw Svejk standing at the door with rille and bayonet.
'I could do with a drink,' sighed the little optimist, while the lanky one again had a fit of scepticism and said that the whole thing was a piece of lousy treason. He started loudly accusing Svejk of having landed them in this mess and reproached him that he had promised them that he would be hanged the next day. And now they could see that it was all a trick with his confession and his hanging.
Svejk was silent and walked up and clown by the door.
'We've been bloody asses!' sh9utecl the lanky one.
In the end, having listened to all the accusations, Svejk declared:
'Now at any rate you can see that the army's no picnic.
I'm only doing my duty.
I got into this just the same way as you did, but as the saying is: fortune smiled on me.'
'I could do with a drink,' repeated the optimist in desperate tones.
The lanky one got up and reeled towards the door.
'Let's go home,' he said to Svejk. 'Chum, don't be a bloody fool.'
'Get back,' answered Svejk.
'I've got to guard you.
Now we don't know each other any longer.'
The chaplain appeared in the door:
'I - I - can't get through on the phone to the barracks, so you go home and remem-mem-member that when you're on duty you can't go and get yourselves sozzled.
Qyick march!'
To the honour of the chaplain may it be said that he did not get through to the barracks because he had no telephone at home and in fact was talking to a lamp-stand.
II
Svejk had been the chaplain's batman for three days, but during all this time he had seen him only once.
On the third day Lieutenant Helmich's batman arrived to tell Svejk to come and fetch his chaplain.
On the way he told Svejk that the chaplain had had a quarrel with the lieutenant, had smashed the piano, was dead drunk and refused to go home. Lieutenant Helmich was also drunk and had thrown the chaplain out into the corridor, where he was sitting on the floor by the doorway and dozing.
When Svejk reached the spot he shook the chaplain, and when the latter began to growl and opened his eyes, Svejk saluted and said:
'Humbly report, sir, I'm here.'
'And what do you want - here?'
'Humbly report, sir, I have to come and fetch you.'
'So you have to come and fetch me, have you ?
And where are we going?'
'To your apartment, sir.'
'Why do I have to go to my apartment-aren't I in my apartment?'
'Humbly report, sir, you're in the corridor of somebody else's house.'
'And how- did - I-get here?'
'Humbly report, sir, you were here on a visit.'
'N-n-not on a v- visit.