'Is he to be put in handcuffs for the journey, sir?'
The judge advocate banged his fist on the table.
'You're an oaf.
I told you quite distinctly to make his discharge papers out.'
And all the bile which had accumulated in the judge advocate's soul in the course of that day because of Captain Linhart and Svejk poured out like a wild torrent on the head of the staff warder. At the end of it Bernis said:
'And now do you understand that you are a prize royal oaf?'
This is something which should only be said to kings and emperors, but even this simple staff warder, who was no royal personage, was not very pleased about it. On his way back from the judge advocate's office he gave a cruel kicking to a prisoner on fatigue duty who was cleaning the corridor.
As for Svejk, the staff warder made up his mind that he must spend at least one night more in the garrison gaol so as to derive a little more benefit from it.
The night spent in the garrison gaol will always rank among Svejk's most affectionate memories.
Next to no. 16 was the 'black hole', a murky pit for solitary confinement, from which could be heard during that night the howls of a soldier whose ribs were being broken by Sergeant-Major Repa at the orders of Staff Warder Slavik because of a disciplinary offence.
When the howling stopped there could be heard in no. 16 the smashing of lice which got in between the fingers of the prisoners during their search.
Above the doors in an aperture in the wall a paraffin lamp, fitted with a protective grille, emitted a feeble light and smoked.
The smell of paraffin mingled with the natural exhalations of unwashed human bodies and the stench of the bucket, which every time it was used had its surface stirred up and added a new wave of stink to no. 16.
The bad food made the digestive process difficult for everyone, and the majority suffered from wind, which they released into the stillness ofthe night, answering each other with these signals to the accompaniment of various witticisms.
In the corridors could be heard the measured tread of the sentries. From time to time the aperture in the door opened and a warder peered through the peephole.
From the middle bunk could be heard a voice quietly saying:
'Before I tried to escape and before they brought me here among you I was in no. 12.
There they keep the light cases.
Once they brought in a chap from somewhere in the country.
The good fellow had got fourteen days because he allowed soldiers to stay overnight with him.
At first they thought that it was a plot but then it turned out that he did it for money.
He should have been locked up among the lightest cases but because it was full there he came to us.
And you can't imagine all the things he brought with him from home and what they sent him, because he somehow got permission to order his own food and make things cosy for himself.
And he got permission to smoke.
He had two hams, giant loaves of bread, eggs, butter, cigarettes - well, in short he had in his two knapsacks everything you could dream of.
And the bastard thought that he must guzzle it all up himself.
We started begging him to share it with us, when he didn't hit on the idea himself, like others did when they got something.
But he was a mean bastard and said no: he'd be locked up for fourteen days and the cabbage and rotten potatoes, which they gave us for mess rations, would ruin his stomach.
He said he'd give us all his mess rations and army bread: it wasn't worth having and we could share it among ourselves or have it in turns. I tell you that he was such a gent that he didn't even want to sit on the bucket and waited until the next day for the exercise hour so that he could do it in the latrine in the courtyard.
He was so spoiled that he even brought his own toilet paper.
We told him that we didn't care a damn about his rations and we braved it out one, two, three days. The bastard guzzled ham, spread butter on his bread, shelled his eggs - in short he lived like a pig in clover.
He smoked cigarettes and wouldn't give anyone even a puff. He said that we weren't allowed to smoke and if the warder were to see him giving us a puff they'd lock him up.
As I said we stood it for three days.
But on the fourth day in the night we did it.
The bastard woke up early, and I forgot to tell you that in the early morning, at noon and in the evening, before he began to stuff himself, he always prayed and prayed for a very long time.
And so this time he prayed and then looked for his knapsacks under his bunk.
Yes, the knapsacks were there, but they were dried up and shrunk like dried prunes.
He began to shriek that he had been robbed and that we'd only left him his toilet paper. And then for about five minutes he thought that we were only joking and that we had hidden it somewhere.
He said still quite merrily:
"I know you're only teasing. I know you'll give it back to me, but it was neatly done."
There was a chap among us from Liben and he said,
"Look, cover yourself with your blanket and count up till ten. And then look in your knapsacks."
And he covered himself and counted one, two, three, like an obedient little boy ... and then the chap from Liben said again:
"You mustn't do it so quickly, you must do it very slowly."
And there he was under the blanket counting slowly at intervals: one-two-three-... and when he got to ten he climbed out of his bunk and looked into his knapsacks.
"Jesus Mary, chaps," he began hollering, "they're just as empty as they were before."
And all the time his face was so bloody silly that we could all have split our sides with laughter.
And then that chap from Liben went on:
"Try once more."
And believe me he was so crazy after all this that he tried again, and when he saw that there was still nothing there except toilet paper he began to bang on the door and to shout out: