3
Svejk before the Medical Experts
The clean, cosy cubicles of the regional criminal court made the most favourable impression on Svejk - the white-washed walls, the blackpainted bars and the fat Mr Demartini, the chief warder for the prisoners on remand, with his purple facings and purple braid on his government-supplied cap.
Purple is the colour prescribed not only here, but also at religious services on Ash Wednesday and Good Friday.
The glorious times of Roman rule over Jerusalem were coming back.
The prisoners were led out and brought before the Pontius Pilates of 1914 down on the ground floor. And the examining magistrates, the Pilates of modern times, instead of honourably washing their hands, sent to Teissig's for goulash and Pilsen beer and passed more and more indictments to the Director of Prosecutions.
The exception were a few gentlemen (as at police headquarters) who did not take the law quite so seriously, for everywhere wheat can be found among the tares
It was to one of these gentlemen that they conducted Svejk for questioning.
He was an elderly gentleman of affable appearance who, when he was once interrogating the notorious murderer, Vales, never failed to tell him:
'Be so good as to sit down, Mr Vales. There is an empty chair just here.'
When they led Svejk before him, with his natural amiability he asked him to sit down and said:
'So you are this Mr Svejk, then?'
'I think I must be,' answered Svejk, 'because my papa was Mr Svejk and my mamma was Mrs Svejk.
I can't disgrace them by denying my own name.'
A kindly smile flitted across the face of the examining magistrate:
'Well, you've been up to a fine lot of things.
You've certainly got a great deal on your conscience.'
'I've always got a great deal on my conscience,' said Svejk, smiling even more affably than the magistrate.
'I've probably got more on my conscience than Your Worship is pleased to have.'
'Well, that's clear from the statement you've signed,' said the magistrate in a no less affable tone.
'They didn't bring any pressure on you at the police station, did they ? '
'Why, of course not, Your Worship.
I asked them myself ifl had to sign it, and when they told me to do so I obeyed.
After all, I wouldn't want to quarrel with them just because of my signature, would I?
It certainly wouldn't be in my interest to do that.
There must be law and order.'
'Do you feel completely well, Mr Svejk?'
'Not completely well, no, I wouldn't say that, Your Worship. I've got rheumatism and I rub myself with Elliman's embrocation.'
The old gentleman again gave a kindly smile.
'What would you say if we were to have you examined by our medical experts?'
'I don't think that I can be so bad that these gentlemen need unnecessarily waste their time on me.
I was examined by one doctor already at police headquarters to see if I'd got V.D.'
'You know, all the same, Mr Svejk, we'll try with these medical experts.
We'll set up a nice commission and keep you in remand under investigation. In the meantime you'll have a nice rest.
Now just one more question: is it true, as it is stated in the report, that you declared and widely disseminated the view that war would soon break out?'
'Oh, yes, Your Worship, and it will break out very soon indeed.'
'And you don't occasionally feel run down by any chance?'
'Oh, no, sir, I was only once nearly run down by a car on Charles Square but that was many years ago.'
That concluded the interrogation.
Svejk shook hands with the magistrate and after having returned to his cell said to his neighbours:
'Now all because of that murder of His Imperial Highness, the Archduke Ferdinand, they're going to have me examined by the medical experts.'
'I've been examined by those medical experts too,' said a young man. 'That was when I had to come before a jury about some carpets.
They certified me as feeble-minded.
Now I've embezzled a steam threshing machine and they can't do anything to me.
My lawyer told me yesterday that once I've been certified feeble-minded, I'll have the benefit of it for the rest of my life.'
'I don't trust those medical experts at all,' observed the man with the intelligent appearance.
'Once when I forged some bills of exchange I prepared myself for all eventualities and went to lectures by the psychiatrist Dr Heveroch, and when they caught me, I pretended to be a paralytic, exactly as Dr Heveroch had described one. I bit one of the medical experts on the commission in the leg, drank ink out of the ink pot and relieved myself, if you'll pardon the expression, gentlemen, in the corner in the view of the whole commission.
But because I bit one of them through the calf they certified me as completely fit and so I was done for.'
'I'm not a bit afraid of these gentlemen's examinations,' said Svejk.
'When I was in the army a vet examined me and it didn't turn out at all badly.'