One evening she chose to mortify me before the duke by a look, a gesture, that it is useless to try to express in words.
I went away with tears in my eyes, planning terrible and outrageous schemes of vengeance without end. "I often used to go with her to the theatre. Love utterly absorbed me as I sat beside her; as I looked at her I used to give myself up to the pleasure of listening to the music, putting all my soul into the double joy of love and of hearing every emotion of my heart translated into musical cadences.
It was my passion that filled the air and the stage, that was triumphant everywhere but with my mistress.
Then I would take Foedora's hand. I used to scan her features and her eyes, imploring of them some indication that one blended feeling possessed us both, seeking for the sudden harmony awakened by the power of music, which makes our souls vibrate in unison; but her hand was passive, her eyes said nothing.
"When the fire that burned in me glowed too fiercely from the face I turned upon her, she met it with that studied smile of hers, the conventional expression that sits on the lips of every portrait in every exhibition.
She was not listening to the music.
The divine pages of Rossini, Cimarosa, or Zingarelli called up no emotion, gave no voice to any poetry in her life; her soul was a desert.
"Foedora presented herself as a drama before a drama.
Her lorgnette traveled restlessly over the boxes; she was restless too beneath the apparent calm; fashion tyrannized over her; her box, her bonnet, her carriage, her own personality absorbed her entirely.
My merciless knowledge thoroughly tore away all my illusions.
If good breeding consists in self-forgetfulness and consideration for others, in constantly showing gentleness in voice and bearing, in pleasing others, and in making them content in themselves, all traces of her plebeian origin were not yet obliterated in Foedora, in spite of her cleverness. Her self-forgetfulness was a sham, her manners were not innate but painfully acquired, her politeness was rather subservient.
And yet for those she singled out, her honeyed words expressed natural kindness, her pretentious exaggeration was exalted enthusiasm.
I alone had scrutinized her grimacings, and stripped away the thin rind that sufficed to conceal her real nature from the world; her trickery no longer deceived me; I had sounded the depths of that feline nature.
I blushed for her when some donkey or other flattered and complimented her.
And yet I loved her through it all!
I hoped that her snows would melt with the warmth of a poet's love.
If I could only have made her feel all the greatness that lies in devotion, then I should have seen her perfected, she would have been an angel.
I loved her as a man, a lover, and an artist; if it had been necessary not to love her so that I might win her, some cool-headed coxcomb, some self-possessed calculator would perhaps have had an advantage over me.
She was so vain and sophisticated, that the language of vanity would appeal to her; she would have allowed herself to be taken in the toils of an intrigue; a hard, cold nature would have gained a complete ascendency over her.
Keen grief had pierced me to my very soul, as she unconsciously revealed her absolute love of self.
I seemed to see her as she one day would be, alone in the world, with no one to whom she could stretch her hand, with no friendly eyes for her own to meet and rest upon.
I was bold enough to set this before her one evening; I painted in vivid colors her lonely, sad, deserted old age.
Her comment on this prospect of so terrible a revenge of thwarted nature was horrible.
"'I shall always have money,' she said; 'and with money we can always inspire such sentiments as are necessary for our comfort in those about us.'
"I went away confounded by the arguments of luxury, by the reasoning of this woman of the world in which she lived; and blamed myself for my infatuated idolatry.
I myself had not loved Pauline because she was poor; and had not the wealthy Foedora a right to repulse Raphael?
Conscience is our unerring judge until we finally stifle it.
A specious voice said within me, 'Foedora is neither attracted to nor repulses any one; she has her liberty, but once upon a time she sold herself to the Russian count, her husband or her lover, for gold.
But temptation is certain to enter into her life.
Wait till that moment comes!'
She lived remote from humanity, in a sphere apart, in a hell or a heaven of her own; she was neither frail nor virtuous.
This feminine enigma in embroideries and cashmeres had brought into play every emotion of the human heart in me—pride, ambition, love, curiosity. "There was a craze just then for praising a play at a little Boulevard theatre, prompted perhaps by a wish to appear original that besets us all, or due to some freak of fashion.
The countess showed some signs of a wish to see the floured face of the actor who had so delighted several people of taste, and I obtained the honor of taking her to a first presentation of some wretched farce or other.
A box scarcely cost five francs, but I had not a brass farthing.
I was but half-way through the volume of Memoirs; I dared not beg for assistance of Finot, and Rastignac, my providence, was away.
These constant perplexities were the bane of my life.
"We had once come out of the theatre when it was raining heavily, Foedora had called a cab for me before I could escape from her show of concern; she would not admit any of my excuses—my liking for wet weather, and my wish to go to the gaming-table.
She did not read my poverty in my embarrassed attitude, or in my forced jests.
My eyes would redden, but she did not understand a look.
A young man's life is at the mercy of the strangest whims!
At every revolution of the wheels during the journey, thoughts that burned stirred in my heart. I tried to pull up a plank from the bottom of the vehicle, hoping to slip through the hole into the street; but finding insuperable obstacles, I burst into a fit of laughter, and then sat stupefied in calm dejection, like a man in a pillory.
When I reached my lodging, Pauline broke in through my first stammering words with:
"'If you haven't any money——?'
"Ah, the music of Rossini was as nothing compared with those words.
But to return to the performance at the Funambules.
"I thought of pawning the circlet of gold round my mother's portrait in order to escort the countess.
Although the pawnbroker loomed in my thoughts as one of the doors of a convict's prison, I would rather myself have carried my bed thither than have begged for alms.
There is something so painful in the expression of a man who asks money of you!
There are loans that mulct us of our self-respect, just as some rebuffs from a friend's lips sweep away our last illusion.
"Pauline was working; her mother had gone to bed.