He was a prey to the astonishment and nervous anxiety of the man who has just obtained what he has long desired.
He has been accustomed to desire, and has no longer anything to desire, and nevertheless has no memories.
Like a soldier coming back from parade. Julien was absorbed in rehearsing the details of his conduct.
"Have I failed in nothing which I owe to myself?
Have I played my part well?"
And what a part! the part of a man accustomed to be brilliant with women. _____
CHAPTER XVI
THE DAY AFTER _____
He turned his lips to hers and with his hand
Called back the tangles of her wandering hair.
Don Juan, c.
I, st. 170. _____
Happily for Julien's fame, Madame de Renal had been too agitated and too astonished to appreciate the stupidity of the man who had in a single moment become the whole to world her.
"Oh, my God!" she said to herself, as she pressed him to retire when she saw the dawn break, "if my husband has heard the noise, I am lost."
Julien, who had had the time to make up some phrases, remembered this one,
"Would you regret your life?"
"Oh, very much at a moment like this, but I should not regret having known you."
Julien thought it incumbent on his dignity to go back to his room in broad daylight and with deliberate imprudence.
The continuous attention with which he kept on studying his slightest actions with the absurd idea of appearing a man of experience had only one advantage. When he saw Madame de Renal again at breakfast his conduct was a masterpiece of prudence.
As for her, she could not look at him without blushing up to the eyes, and could not live a moment without looking at him. She realised her own nervousness, and her efforts to hide it redoubled.
Julien only lifted his eyes towards her once.
At first Madame de Renal admired his prudence: soon seeing that this single look was not repealed, she became alarmed.
"Could it be that he does not love me?" she said to herself.
"Alas!
I am quite old for him. I am ten years older than he is."
As she passed from the dining-room to the garden, she pressed Julien's hand.
In the surprise caused by so singular a mark of love, he regarded her with passion, for he had thought her very pretty over breakfast, and while keeping his eyes downcast he had passed his time in thinking of the details of her charms.
This look consoled Madame de Renal. It did not take away all her anxiety, but her anxiety tended to take away nearly completely all her remorse towards her husband.
The husband had noticed nothing at breakfast. It was not so with Madame Derville. She thought she saw Madame de Renal on the point of succumbing.
During the whole day her bold and incisive friendship regaled her cousin with those innuendoes which were intended to paint in hideous colours the dangers she was running.
Madame de Renal was burning to find herself alone with Julien. She wished to ask him if he still loved her.
In spite of the unalterable sweetness of her character, she was several times on the point of notifying her friend how officious she was.
Madame Derville arranged things so adroitly that evening in the garden, that she found herself placed between Madame de Renal and Julien.
Madame de Renal, who had thought in her imagination how delicious it would be to press Julien's hand and carry it to her lips, was not able to address a single word to him.
This hitch increased her agitation.
She was devoured by one pang of remorse.
She had so scolded Julien for his imprudence in coming to her room on the preceding night, that she trembled lest he should not come to-night.
She left the garden early and went and ensconced herself in her room, but not being able to control her impatience, she went and glued her ear to Julien's door.
In spite of the uncertainty and passion which devoured her, she did not dare to enter.
This action seemed to her the greatest possible meanness, for it forms the basis of a provincial proverb.
The servants had not yet all gone to bed.
Prudence at last compelled her to return to her room.
Two hours of waiting were two centuries of torture.
Julien was too faithful to what he called his duty to fail to accomplish stage by stage what he had mapped out for himself.
As one o'clock struck, he escaped softly from his room, assured himself that the master of the house was soundly asleep, and appeared in Madame de Renal's room.
To-night he experienced more happiness by the side of his love, for he thought less constantly about the part he had to play.
He had eyes to see, and ears to hear.
What Madame de Renal said to him about his age contributed to give him some assurance.
"Alas!
I am ten years older than you.