She did not mind, it was like a game to her. Like a game.
Who wouldn't be jealous?
They were all jealous, all mad for her.
Mr de Winter, Mr Jack, Mr Crawley, everyone who knew her, everyone who came to Manderley.'
'I don't want to know,' I said.
'I don't want to know.'
Mrs Danvers came close to me, she put her face near to mine.
'It's no use, is it?' she said.
'You'll never get the better of her.
She's still mistress here, even if she is dead.
She's the real Mrs de Winter, not you.
It's you that's the shadow and the ghost.
It's you that's forgotten and not wanted and pushed aside.
Well, why don't you leave Manderley to her?
Why don't you go?'
I backed away from her towards the window, my old fear and horror rising up in me again.
She took my arm and held it like a vice.
'Why don't you go?' she said.
'We none of us want you.
He doesn't want you, he never did.
He can't forget her.
He wants to be alone in the house again, with her.
It's you that ought to be lying there in the church crypt, not her.
It's you who ought to be dead, not Mrs de Winter.'
She pushed me towards the open window.
I could see the terrace below me grey and indistinct in the white wall of fog.
'Look down there,' she said.
'It's easy, isn't it?
Why don't you jump?
It wouldn't hurt, not to break your neck.
It's a quick, kind way.
It's not like drowning.
Why don't you try it?
Why don't you go?'
The fog filled the open window, damp and clammy, it stung my eyes, it clung to my nostrils.
I held on to the window-sill with my hands.
'Don't be afraid,' said Mrs Danvers.
'I won't push you.
I won't stand by you.
You can jump of your own accord.
What's the use of your staying here at Manderley?
You're not happy.
Mr de Winter doesn't love you.
There's not much for you to live for, is there?
Why don't you jump now and have done with it?
Then you won't be unhappy any more.'
I could see the flower tubs on the terrace and the blue of the hydrangeas clumped and solid.
The paved stones were smooth and grey. They were not jagged and uneven.
It was the fog that made them look so far away.
They were not far really, the window was not so very high.