In the outward form of our life we are hardly distinguishable from Bushmen; but whereas the latter can be so always, because they are so truly, and at best may develop further by exertion of their spiritual forces, with us it is the reverse;—our inner forces are not exerted toward regeneration, but toward degeneration.
The Bushmen are primitive and naturally so, but we are primitive in an artificial sense, and by virtue of the utmost effort.
And at night, waking out of a dream, overwhelmed and bewitched by the crowding apparitions, a man perceives with alarm how slight is the support, how thin the boundary that divides him from the darkness.
We are little flames poorly sheltered by frail walls against the storm of dissolution and madness, in which we flicker and sometimes almost go out.
Then the muffled roar of the battle becomes a ring that encircles us, we creep in upon ourselves, and with big eyes stare into the night.
Our only comfort is the steady breathing of our comrades asleep, and thus we wait for the morning.
Every day and every hour, every shell and every death cuts into this thin support, and the years waste it rapidly.
I see how it is already gradually breaking down around me.
There is the mad story of Detering.
He was one of those who kept himself to himself.
His misfortune was that he saw a cherry tree in a garden.
We were just coming back from the front line, and at a turning of the road near our billets, marvellous in the morning twilight, stood this cherry tree before us.
It had no leaves, but was one white mass of blossom.
In the evening Detering was not to be seen.
Then at last he came back and had a couple of branches of cherry blossom in his hand.
We made fun of him, and asked whether he was going to a wedding.
He made no answer, but lay down on his bed.
During the night I heard him making a noise, he seemed to be packing.
I sensed something amiss and went over to him.
He made out it was nothing, and I said to him:
"Don't do anything silly, Detering."
"Ach, why—it's merely that I can't sleep–––"
"What did you pick the cherry branches for?"
"Surely I can pick cherry blossom if I want to!" he replied evasively— and after a while: "I have a big orchard with cherry trees at home.
When they are in blossom, from the hay loft they look like one single sheet, so white.
It is just the time."
"Perhaps you will get leave soon.
You may even be sent back as a farmer."
He nodded but he was far away.
When these peasants are excited they have a curious expression, a mixture of cow and yearning god, half stupid and half rapt.
In order to turn him away from his thoughts I asked him for a piece of bread.
He gave it to me without a murmur.
That was suspicious, for he is usually tight-fisted.
So I stayed awake.
Nothing happened; in the morning he was as usual.
Apparently he had noticed that I had been watching him;—but the second morning he was gone.
I noticed it, but said nothing, in order to give him time; he might perhaps get through.
Various fellows have already got into Holland.
But at roll call he was missed.
A week after we heard that he had been caught by the field gendarmes, those despicable military police.
He had headed toward Germany, that was hopeless, of course—and, of course, he did everything else just as idiotically.
Anyone might have known that his flight was only homesickness and a momentary aberration.
But what does a court-martial a hundred miles behind the front-line know about it?
We have heard nothing more of Detering.
But sometimes it broke out in other ways, this danger, these pent-up things, as from an overheated boiler.
It will be enough to tell how Berger met his end.
Our trenches have now for some time been shot to pieces, and we have an elastic line, so that there is practically no longer any proper trench warfare.
When attack and counter-attack have waged backwards and forwards there remains a broken line and a bitter struggle from crater to crater.
The front-line has been penetrated, and everywhere small groups have established themselves, the fight is carried on from clusters of shell-holes.
We are in a crater, the English are coming down obliquely, they are turning our flank and working in behind us.