Mikhail Saltykov-Shedrin Fullscreen Lord Golovleva (1880)

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"Did he win?"

"No. He kicked the bucket two days before the end of the year.

And how about you, why don't you take a drink?"

"I never touch it."

"So you swill nothing but tea.

No good, brother. That's why your belly has grown so big.

One must be careful with tea. A cup of tea must be followed by a glass of vodka.

Tea gathers phlegm, vodka breaks it up.

Isn't that so?"

"Well, I don't know. You are learned; you know better."

"True.

On the campaign we had no time to bother with tea or coffee.

But vodka—that's a holy affair. You unscrew the flask, pour the vodka into a cup, drink, and that's all.

At that time we had to march so fast that for ten days I went without washing."

"You certainly roughed it, sir."

"Yes, marching on the highroad is not a joke.

Still, on our way forward it was not so bad. People gave us money, and there was plenty to eat and drink.

But when we marched back there was no more feting."

Golovliov gnawed at the sausage and finally chewed up a piece.

"It is very salty, this sausage is," he said. "But I'm not squeamish.

After all, mother won't feed me on tid-bits. A plate of cabbage soup and some gruel—that's all she'll let me have."

"God is merciful.

Maybe she'll give you pie on holidays."

"No, I imagine there'll be no tea, no tobacco, no vodka.

People say she has become fond of playing fool, so she may call me in to take a hand at the game and give me some tea.

As for the rest, there is no hope."

There was a four-hour rest to feed the horses.

Golovliov had finished the bottle and was tormented by hunger.

The travellers entered the inn and settled down to a hearty meal.

Stepan Vladimirych took a stroll in the court, paid a visit to the backyard, the stables and the dovecote, and even tried to sleep. Finally he came to the conclusion that the best thing for him to do was to join his fellow-travellers in the inn.

There the cabbage soup was already steaming and on a wooden tray on the sideboard lay a great chunk of beef, which Ivan Mikhailych was just then engaged in carving.

Golovliov seated himself a little way from the table, lighted his pipe, and sat silent for quite a while pondering over the way in which he could allay the pangs of hunger.

"I wish you a good appetite, gentlemen," he said finally, "the soup seems to be good and rich."

"The soup is all right," answered Ivan Mikhailych. "Why don't you order a portion for yourself?"

"Oh, it was only a remark on my part. I'm not hungry."

"Impossible.

All you've eaten is a bit of sausage, and the damned thing only teases one's appetite.

Please eat something. I'll have a separate table laid for you.

My dear woman," he turned to the hostess, "a place for the gentleman."

The passengers silently attacked their meal and now and then exchanged meaningful looks.

Golovliov felt his fellow-travellers suspected how matters stood, although he had played master throughout the journey, not without some arrogance, and had addressed the faithful innkeeper as if he had merely entrusted him with his cash.

His brows knitted, and a thick cloud of smoke escaped from his mouth.

In the depths of his heart he felt he ought to refuse, but so imperative are the dictates of hunger that he set upon the bowl of cabbage soup like a beast of prey and emptied it in a trice.

Along with satiety came his customary self-assurance and, as if nothing were the matter, he said, turning to Ivan Mikhailych:

"Well, my cashier, you will pay up for me, and I am off for the hayloft to have a talk with Mr. Khrapovitzky."

He jogged over to the hayloft, and as his stomach was full he was soon fast asleep.

He woke up at five o'clock in the morning.

Noticing that the horses stood at their empty bins rubbing their noses against the edges, he roused the driver.

"He sleeps like a top, the rascal," he shouted. "We're in a hurry, and he's having pleasant dreams."

Soon the travellers reached the station at which the road turned off to Golovliovo.