That's the tragedy of it- that I know that for certain.
What if anyone does show off a bit?
Don't I do it myself?
And yet I'm sincere, I'm sincere.
As for Ivan, I can understand how he must be cursing nature now with his intellect, too!
To see the preference given- to whom, to what?
To a monster who, though he is betrothed and all eyes are fixed on him, can't restrain his debaucheries- and before the very eyes of his betrothed!
And a man like me is preferred, while he is rejected.
And why?
Because a girl wants to sacrifice her life and destiny out of gratitude.
It's ridiculous!
I've never said a word of this to Ivan, and Ivan of course has never dropped a hint of the sort to me. But destiny will be accomplished, and the best man will hold his ground while the undeserving one will vanish into his back-alley for ever- his filthy back-alley, his beloved back-alley, where he is at home and where he will sink in filth and stench at his own free will and with enjoyment.
I've been talking foolishly. I've no words left. I used them at random, but it will be as I have said.
I shall drown in the back-alley, and she will marry Ivan."
"Stop, Dmitri," Alyosha interrupted again with great anxiety. "There's one thing you haven't made clear yet: you are still betrothed all the same, aren't you?
How can you break off the engagement if she, your betrothed, doesn't want to?"
"Yes, formally and solemnly betrothed. It was all done on my arrival in Moscow, with great ceremony, with ikons, all in fine style.
The general's wife blessed us, and- would you believe it?- congratulated Katya. You've made a good choice,' she said, 'I see right through him.'
And- would you believe it?- she didn't like Ivan, and hardly greeted him.
I had a lot of talk with Katya in Moscow. I told her about myself- sincerely, honourably.
She listened to everything.
There was sweet confusion, There were tender words.
Though there were proud words, too.
She wrung out of me a mighty promise to reform.
I gave my promise, and here- "
"What?"
"Why, I called to you and brought you out here to-day, this very day- remember it- to send you- this very day again- to Katerina Ivanovna, and- "
"To tell her that I shall never come to see her again. Say, 'He sends you his compliments.'"
"But is that possible?"
"That's just the reason I'm sending you, in my place, because it's impossible. And, how could I tell her myself?"
"And where are you going?"
"To the back-alley."
"To Grushenka, then!" Alyosha exclaimed mournfully, clasping his hands. "Can Rakitin really have told the truth?
I thought that you had just visited her, and that was all."
"Can a betrothed man pay such visits?
Is such a thing possible and with such a betrothed, and before the eyes of all the world?
Confound it, I have some honour!
As soon as I began visiting Grushenka, I ceased to be betrothed, and to be an honest man. I understand that.
Why do you look at me?
You see, I went in the first place to beat her.
I had heard, and I know for a fact now, that that captain, father's agent, had given Grushenka an I.O.U. of mine for her to sue me for payment, so as to put an end to me.
They wanted to scare me.
I went to beat her.
I had had a glimpse of her before.
She doesn't strike one at first sight.
I knew about her old merchant, who's lying ill now, paralysed; but he's leaving her a decent little sum.
I knew, too, that she was fond of money, that she hoarded it, and lent it at a wicked rate of interest, that she's a merciless cheat and swindler.
I went to beat her, and I stayed.
The storm broke- it struck me down like the plague. I'm plague-stricken still, and I know that everything is over, that there will never be anything more for me.
The cycle of the ages is accomplished.