Every instant I strove to reform, but I lived like a wild beast.
I thank the prosecutor, he told me many things about myself that I did not know; but it's not true that I killed my father, the prosecutor is mistaken.
I thank my counsel, too. I cried listening to him; but it's not true that I killed my father, and he needn't have supposed it.
And don't believe the doctors. I am perfectly sane, only my heart is heavy.
If you spare me, if you let me go, I will pray for you.
I will be a better man. I give you my word before God I will!
And if you will condemn me, I'll break my sword over my head myself and kiss the pieces.
But spare me, do not rob me of my God! I know myself, I shall rebel!
My heart is heavy, gentlemen... spare me!"
He almost fell back in his place: his voice broke: he could hardly articulate the last phrase.
Then the judges proceeded to put the questions and began to ask both sides to formulate their conclusions.
But I will not describe the details.
At last the jury rose to retire for consultation.
The President was very tired, and so his last charge to the jury was rather feeble.
"Be impartial, don't be influenced by the eloquence of the defence, but yet weigh the arguments. Remember that there is a great responsibility laid upon you," and so on and so on.
The jury withdrew and the court adjourned.
People could get up, move about, exchange their accumulated impressions, refresh themselves at the buffet.
It was very late, almost one o'clock in the night, but nobody went away: the strain was so great that no one could think of repose.
All waited with sinking hearts; though that is, perhaps, too much to say, for the ladies were only in a state of hysterical impatience and their hearts were untroubled.
An acquittal, they thought, was inevitable.
They all prepared themselves for a dramatic moment of general enthusiasm.
I must own there were many among the men, too, who were convinced that an acquittal was inevitable.
Some were pleased, others frowned, while some were simply dejected, not wanting him to be acquitted.
Fetyukovitch himself was confident of his success.
He was surrounded by people congratulating him and fawning upon him.
"There are," he said to one group, as I was told afterwards, "there are invisible threads binding the counsel for the defence with the jury.
One feels during one's speech if they are being formed.
I was aware of them. They exist.
Our cause is won. Set your mind at rest."
"What will our peasants say now?" said one stout, cross-looking, pock-marked gentleman, a landowner of the neighbourhood, approaching a group of gentlemen engaged in conversation.
"But they are not all peasants.
There are four government clerks among them."
"Yes, there are clerks," said a member of the district council, joining the group.
"And do you know that Nazaryev, the merchant with the medal, a juryman?"
"What of him?"
"He is a man with brains."
"But he never speaks."
"He is no great talker, but so much the better.
There's no need for the Petersburg man to teach him: he could teach all Petersburg himself.
He's the father of twelve children. Think of that!"
"Upon my word, you don't suppose they won't acquit him?" one of our young officials exclaimed in another group.
"They'll acquit him for certain," said a resolute voice.
"It would be shameful, disgraceful, not to acquit him cried the official. "Suppose he did murder him- there are fathers and fathers!
And, besides, he was in such a frenzy.... He really may have done nothing but swing the pestle in the air, and so knocked the old man down.
But it was a pity they dragged the valet in.
That was simply an absurd theory!
If I'd been in Fetyukovitch's place, I should simply have said straight out: 'He murdered him; but he is not guilty, hang it all!'
"That's what he did, only without saying, 'Hang it all!'"
"No, Mihail Semyonovitch, he almost said that, too," put in a third voice.
"Why, gentlemen, in Lent an actress was acquitted in our town who had cut the throat of her lover's lawful wife."