"Why did you send for me to-day, Lise?"
"I wanted to tell you of a longing I have.
I should like some one to torture me, marry me and then torture me, deceive me and go away.
I don't want to be happy."
"You are in love with disorder?"
"Yes, I want disorder.
I keep wanting to set fire to the house.
I keep imagining how I'll creep up and set fire to the house on the sly; it must be on the sly.
They'll try to put it out, but it'll go on burning.
And I shall know and say nothing.
Ah, what silliness!
And how bored I am!"
She waved her hand with a look of repulsion.
"It's your luxurious life," said Alyosha, softly"
"Is it better, then, to be poor?"
"Yes, it is better."
"That's what your monk taught you.
That's not true.
Let me be rich and all the rest poor, I'll eat sweets and drink cream and not give any to anyone else.
Ach, don't speak, don't say anything"; she shook her hand at him, though Alyosha had not opened his mouth. "You've told me all that before, I know it all by heart.
It bores me.
If I am ever poor, I shall murder somebody, and even if I am rich, I may murder someone, perhaps- why do nothing!
But do you know, I should like to reap, cut the rye?
I'll marry you, and you shall become a peasant, a real peasant; we'll keep a colt, shall we?
Do you know Kalganov?"
"Yes."
"He is always wandering about, dreaming.
He says, 'Why live in real life? It's better to dream.
One can dream the most delightful things, but real life is a bore.'
But he'll be married soon for all that; he's been making love to me already.
Can you spin tops?"
"Yes."
"Well, he's just like a top: he wants to be wound up and set spinning and then to be lashed, lashed, lashed with a whip. If I marry him, I'll keep him spinning all his life.
You are not ashamed to be with me?"
"No."
"You are awfully cross, because I don't talk about holy things.
I don't want to be holy.
What will they do to one in the next world for the greatest sin?
You must know all about that."
"God will censure you." Alyosha was watching her steadily.
"That's just what I should like.
I would go up and they would censure me, and I would burst out laughing in their faces.
I should dreadfully like to set fire to the house, Alyosha, to our house; you still don't believe me?"
"Why?
There are children of twelve years old, who have a longing to set fire to something and they do set things on fire, too.
It's a sort of disease."
"That's not true, that's not true; there may be children, but that's not what I mean."
"You take evil for good; it's a passing crisis; it's the result of your illness, perhaps."
"You do despise me, though!
It's simply that I don't want to do good, I want to do evil, and it has nothing to do with illness."