You see what a spiteful cur I am, and you called me your sister!
And now that man who wronged me has come; I sit here waiting for a message from him.
And do you know what that man has been to me?
Five years ago, when Kuzma brought me here, I used to shut myself up, that no one might have sight or sound of me. I was a silly slip of a girl; I used to sit here sobbing; I used to lie awake all night, thinking:
'Where is he now, the man who wronged me?
He is laughing at me with another woman, most likely. If only I could see him, if I could meet him again, I'd pay him out, I'd pay him out!'
At night I used to lie sobbing into my pillow in the dark, and I used to brood over it; I used to tear my heart on purpose and gloat over my anger.
'I'll pay him out, I'll pay him out!
That's what I used to cry out in the dark.
And when I suddenly thought that I should really do nothing to him, and that he was laughing at me then, or perhaps had utterly forgotten me, I would fling myself on the floor, melt into helpless tears, and lie there shaking till dawn.
In the morning I would get up more spiteful than a dog, ready to tear the whole world to pieces.
And then what do you think? I began saving money, I became hardhearted, grew stout- grew wiser, would you say?
No, no one in the whole world sees it, no one knows it, but when night comes on, I sometimes lie as I did five years ago, when I was a silly girl, clenching my teeth and crying all night, thinking,
'I'll pay him out, I'll pay him out!'
Do you hear?
Well then, now you understand me. A month ago a letter came to me- he was coming, he was a widower, he wanted to see me.
It took my breath away; then I suddenly thought: 'If he comes and whistles to call me, I shall creep back to him like a beaten dog.'
I couldn't believe myself.
Am I so abject? Shall I run to him or not?
And I've been in such a rage with myself all this month that I am worse than I was five years ago.
Do you see now, Alyosha, what a violent, vindictive creature I am? I have shown you the whole truth!
I played with Mitya to keep me from running to that other.
Hush, Rakitin, it's not for you to judge me, I am not speaking to you.
Before you came in, I was lying here waiting, brooding, deciding my whole future life, and you can never know what was in my heart.
Yes, Alyosha, tell your young lady not to be angry with me for what happened the day before yesterday....
Nobody in the whole world knows what I am going through now, and no one ever can know.... For perhaps I shall take a knife with me to-day, I can't make up my mind..."
And at this "tragic" phrase Grushenka broke down, hid her face in her hands, flung herself on the sofa pillows, and sobbed like a little child.
Alyosha got up and went to Rakitin.
"Misha," he said, "don't be angry.
She wounded you, but don't be angry.
You heard what she said just now?
You mustn't ask too much of human endurance, one must be merciful."
Alyosha said this at the instinctive prompting of his heart.
He felt obliged to speak and he turned to Rakitin.
If Rakitin had not been there, he would have spoken to the air.
But Rakitin looked at him ironically and Alyosha stopped short.
"You were so primed up with your elder's reading last night that now you have to let it off on me, Alexey, man of God!" said Rakitin, with a smile of hatred.
"Don't laugh, Rakitin, don't smile, don't talk of the dead- he was better than anyone in the world!" cried Alyosha, with tears in his voice. "I didn't speak to you as a judge but as the lowest of the judged.
What am I beside her?
I came here seeking my ruin, and said to myself,
'What does it matter?' in my cowardliness, but she, after five years in torment, as soon as anyone says a word from the heart to her- it makes her forget everything, forgive everything, in her tears!
The man who has wronged her has come back, he sends for her and she forgives him everything, and hastens joyfully to meet him and she won't take a knife with her. She won't!
No, I am not like that.
I don't know whether you are, Misha, but I am not like that.
It's a lesson to me.... She is more loving than we.... Have you heard her speak before of what she has just told us?
No, you haven't; if you had, you'd have understood her long ago... and the person insulted the day before yesterday must forgive her, too!
She will, when she knows... and she shall know.... This soul is not yet at peace with itself, one must be tender with... there may be a treasure in that soul...."
Alyosha stopped, because he caught his breath.
In spite of his ill-humour Rakitin looked at him with astonishment.
He had never expected such a tirade from the gentle Alyosha.