But though Rakitin was very sensitive about everything that concerned himself, he was very obtuse as regards the feelings and sensations of others- partly from his youth and inexperience, partly from his intense egoism.
"You see, Alyosha," Grushenka turned to him with a nervous laugh. "I was boasting when I told Rakitin I had given away an onion, but it's not to boast I tell you about it.
It's only a story, but it's a nice story. I used to hear it when I was a child from Matryona, my cook, who is still with me.
It's like this.
Once upon a time there was a peasant woman and a very wicked woman she was. And she died and did not leave a single good deed behind.
The devils caught her and plunged her into the lake of fire.
So her guardian angel stood and wondered what good deed of hers he could remember to tell to God;
'She once pulled up an onion in her garden,' said he, 'and gave it to a beggar woman.'
And God answered: 'You take that onion then, hold it out to her in the lake, and let her take hold and be pulled out. And if you can pull her out of the lake, let her come to Paradise, but if the onion breaks, then the woman must stay where she is.'
The angel ran to the woman and held out the onion to her.
'Come,' said he, 'catch hold and I'll pull you out.' he began cautiously pulling her out. He had just pulled her right out, when the other sinners in the lake, seeing how she was being drawn out, began catching hold of her so as to be pulled out with her.
But she was a very wicked woman and she began kicking them. 'I'm to be pulled out, not you. It's my onion, not yours.'
As soon as she said that, the onion broke.
And the woman fell into the lake and she is burning there to this day.
So the angel wept and went away.
So that's the story, Alyosha; I know it by heart, for I am that wicked woman myself.
I boasted to Rakitin that I had given away an onion, but to you I'll say: 'I've done nothing but give away one onion all my life, that's the only good deed I've done.' don't praise me, Alyosha, don't think me good, I am bad, I am a wicked woman and you make me ashamed if you praise me.
Eh, I must confess everything.
Listen, Alyosha. I was so anxious to get hold of you that I promised Rakitin twenty-five roubles if he would bring you to me.
Stay, Rakitin, wait!" She went with rapid steps to the table, opened a drawer, pulled out a purse and took from it a twenty-five rouble note.
"What nonsense!
What nonsense!" cried Rakitin, disconcerted.
"Take it. Rakitin, I owe it you, there's no fear of your refusing it, you asked for it yourself." And she threw the note to him.
"Likely I should refuse it," boomed Rakitin, obviously abashed, but carrying off his confusion with a swagger. "That will come in very handy; fools are made for wise men's profit."
"And now hold your tongue, Rakitin, what I am going to say now is not for your ears.
Sit down in that corner and keep quiet. You don't like us, so hold your tongue."
"What should I like you for?" Rakitin snarled, not concealing his ill-humour.
He put the twenty-five rouble note in his pocket and he felt ashamed at Alyosha's seeing it.
He had reckoned on receiving his payment later, without Alyosha's knowing of it, and now, feeling ashamed, he lost his temper.
Till that moment he had thought it discreet not to contradict Grushenka too flatly in spite of her snubbing, since he had something to get out of her.
But now he, too, was angry:
"One loves people for some reason, but what have either of you done for me?"
"You should love people without a reason, as Alyosha does."
"How does he love you? How has he shown it, that you make such a fuss about it?"
Grushenka was standing in the middle of the room; she spoke with heat and there were hysterical notes in her voice.
"Hush, Rakitin, you know nothing about us!
And don't dare to speak to me like that again. How dare you be so familiar!
Sit in that corner and be quiet, as though you were my footman!
And now, Alyosha, I'll tell you the whole truth, that you may see what a wretch I am!
I am not talking to Rakitin, but to you.
I wanted to ruin you, Alyosha, that's the holy truth; I quite meant to. I wanted to so much, that I bribed Rakitin to bring you.
And why did I want to do such a thing?
You knew nothing about it, Alyosha, you turned away from me; if you passed me, you dropped your eyes. And I've looked at you a hundred times before to-day; I began asking everyone about you.
Your face haunted my heart.
'He despises me,' I thought; 'he won't even look at me.'
And I felt it so much at last that I wondered at myself for being so frightened of a boy.
I'll get him in my clutches and laugh at him.
I was full of spite and anger.
Would you believe it, nobody here dares talk or think of coming to Agrafena Alexandrovna with any evil purpose. Old Kuzma is the only man I have anything to do with here; I was bound and sold to him; Satan brought us together, but there has been no one else.
But looking at you, I thought, I'll get him in my clutches and laugh at him.