I love Alyosha in a different way.
It's true, Alyosha, I had sly designs on you before.
For I am a horrid, violent creature. But at other times I've looked upon you, Alyosha, as my conscience.
I've kept thinking 'how anyone like that must despise a nasty thing like me.'
I thought that the day before yesterday, as I ran home from the young lady's.
I have thought of you a long time in that way, Alyosha, and Mitya knows; I've talked to him about it.
Mitya understands.
Would you believe it, I sometimes look at you and feel ashamed, utterly ashamed of myself.... And how, and since when, I began to think about you like that, I can't say, I don't remember...."
Fenya came in and put a tray with an uncorked bottle and three glasses of champagne on the table.
"Here's the champagne!" cried Rakitin. "You're excited, Agrafena Alexandrovna, and not yourself.
When you've had a glass of champagne, you'll be ready to dance.
Eh, they can't even do that properly," he added, looking at the bottle. "The old woman's poured it out in the kitchen and the bottle's been brought in warm and without a cork.
Well, let me have some, anyway."
He went up to the table, took a glass, emptied it at one gulp and poured himself out another.
"One doesn't often stumble upon champagne," he said, licking his lips. "Now, Alyosha, take a glass, show what you can do!
What shall we drink to?
The gates of paradise?
Take a glass, Grushenka, you drink to the gates of paradise, too."
"What gates of paradise?"
She took a glass, Alyosha took his, tasted it and put it back.
"No, I'd better not," he smiled gently.
"And you bragged!" cried Rakitin.
"Well, if so, I won't either," chimed in Grushenka, "I really don't want any.
You can drink the whole bottle alone, Rakitin.
If Alyosha has some, I will."
"What touching sentimentality!" said Rakitin tauntingly; "and she's sitting on his knee, too!
He's got something to grieve over, but what's the matter with you?
He is rebelling against his God and ready to eat sausage...."
"How so?"
"His elder died to-day, Father Zossima, the saint."
"So Father Zossima is dead," cried Grushenka. "Good God, I did not know!" She crossed herself devoutly. "Goodness, what have I been doing, sitting on his knee like this at such a moment! She started up as though in dismay, instantly slipped off his knee and sat down on the sofa.
Alyosha bent a long wondering look upon her and a light seemed to dawn in his face.
"Rakitin," he said suddenly, in a firm and loud voice; "don't taunt me with having rebelled against God.
I don't want to feel angry with you, so you must be kinder, too; I've lost a treasure such as you have never had, and you cannot judge me now.
You had much better look at her- do you see how she has pity on me?
I came here to find a wicked soul- I felt drawn to evil because I was base and evil myself, and I've found a true sister; I have found a treasure- a loving heart. She had pity on me just now.... Agrafena Alexandrovna, I am speaking of you.
You've raised my soul from the depths."
Alyosha's lips were quivering and he caught his breath.
"She has saved you, it seems," laughed Rakitin spitefully. "And she meant to get you in her clutches, do your realise that?"
"Stay, Rakitin." Grushenka jumped up. "Hush, both of you.
Now I'll tell you all about it. Hush, Alyosha, your words make me ashamed, for I am bad and not good- that's what I am.
And you hush, Rakitin, because you are telling lies.
I had the low idea of trying to get him in my clutches, but now you are lying, now it's all different. And don't let me hear anything more from you, Rakitin." All this Grushenka said with extreme emotion.
"They are both crazy," said Rakitin, looking at them with amazement. "I feel as though I were in a madhouse.
They're both getting so feeble they'll begin crying in a minute."
"I shall begin to cry, I shall," repeated Grushenka. "He called me his sister and I shall never forget that.
Only let me tell you, Rakitin, though I am bad, I did give away an onion."
"An onion?
Hang it all, you really are crazy."
Rakitin wondered at their enthusiasm. He was aggrieved and annoyed, though he might have reflected that each of them was just passing through a spiritual crisis such as does not come often in a lifetime.