And if you had been at the other end of the earth, but alive, it would have been all the same, the thought was unendurable that you were alive knowing everything and condemning me.
I hated you as though you were the cause, as though you were to blame for everything.
I came back to you then, remembering that you had a dagger lying on your table.
I sat down and asked you to sit down, and for a whole minute I pondered.
If I had killed you, I should have been ruined by that murder even if I had not confessed the other.
But I didn't think about that at all, and I didn't want to think of it at that moment.
I only hated you and longed to revenge myself on you for everything.
The Lord vanquished the devil in my heart.
But let me tell you, you were never nearer death."
A week later he died.
The whole town followed him to the grave.
The chief priest made a speech full of feeling.
All lamented the terrible illness that had cut short his days.
But all the town was up in arms against me after the funeral, and people even refused to see me.
Some, at first a few and afterwards more, began indeed to believe in the truth of his story, and they visited me and questioned me with great interest and eagerness, for man loves to see the downfall and disgrace of the righteous.
But I held my tongue, and very shortly after, I left the town, and five months later by God's grace I entered the safe and blessed path, praising the unseen finger which had guided me so clearly to it.
But I remember in my prayer to this day, the servant of God, Mihail, who suffered so greatly.
Chapter 3.
Conversations and Exhortations of Father Zossima
(e) The Russian Monk and his possible Significance.
FATHERS and teachers, what is the monk?
In the cultivated world the word is nowadays pronounced by some people with a jeer, and by others it is used as a term of abuse, and this contempt for the monk is growing.
It is true, alas, it is true, that there are many sluggards, gluttons, profligates, and insolent beggars among monks.
Educated people point to these:
"You are idlers, useless members of society, you live on the labour of others, you are shameless beggars."
And yet how many meek and humble monks there are, yearning for solitude and fervent prayer in peace!
These are less noticed, or passed over in silence. And how suprised men would be if I were to say that from these meek monks, who yearn for solitary prayer, the salvation of Russia will come perhaps once more!
For they are in truth made ready in peace and quiet "for the day and the hour, the month and the year."
Meanwhile, in their solitude, they keep the image of Christ fair and undefiled, in the purity of God's truth, from the times of the Fathers of old, the Apostles and the martyrs. And when the time comes they will show it to the tottering creeds of the world.
That is a great thought.
That star will rise out of the East.
That is my view of the monk, and is it false? Is it too proud?
Look at the worldly and all who set themselves up above the people of God; has not God's image and His truth been distorted in them?
They have science; but in science there is nothing but what is the object of sense.
The spiritual world, the higher part of man's being is rejected altogether, dismissed with a sort of triumph, even with hatred.
The world has proclaimed the reign of freedom, especially of late, but what do we see in this freedom of theirs? Nothing but slavery and self-destruction!
For the world says:
"You have desires and so satisfy them, for you have the same rights as the most rich and powerful.
Don't be afraid of satisfying them and even multiply your desires." That is the modern doctrine of the world.
In that they see freedom.
And what follows from this right of multiplication of desires?
In the rich, isolation and spiritual suicide; in the poor, envy and murder; for they have been given rights, but have not been shown the means of satisfying their wants.
They maintain that the world is getting more and more united, more and more bound together in brotherly community, as it overcomes distance and sets thoughts flying through the air.
Alas, put no faith in such a bond of union.
Interpreting freedom as the multiplication and rapid satisfaction of desires, men distort their own nature, for many senseless and foolish desires and habits and ridiculous fancies are fostered in them.
They live only for mutual envy, for luxury and ostentation.
To have dinners visits, carriages, rank, and slaves to wait on one is looked upon as a necessity, for which life, honour and human feeling are sacrificed, and men even commit suicide if they are unable to satisfy it.
We see the same thing among those who are not rich, while the poor drown their unsatisfied need and their envy in drunkenness.
But soon they will drink blood instead of wine, they are being led on to it.
I ask you is such a man free?