I am so glad of our talk, Ivan."
"I see you are feeling inspired.
I am awfully fond of such professions de foi* from such- novices. You are a steadfast person, Alexey. Is it true that you mean to leave the monastery?" * Professions of faith.
"Yes, my elder sends me out into the world."
"We shall see each other then in the world. We shall meet before I am thirty, when I shall begin to turn aside from the cup.
Father doesn't want to turn aside from his cup till he is seventy, he dreams of hanging on to eighty in fact, so he says. He means it only too seriously, though he is a buffoon.
He stands on a firm rock, too, he stands on his sensuality though after we are thirty, indeed, there may be nothing else to stand on.... But to hang on to seventy is nasty, better only to thirty; one might retain 'a shadow of nobility' by deceiving oneself.
Have you seen Dmitri to-day?"
"No, but I saw Smerdyakov," and Alyosha rapidly, though minutely, described his meeting with Smerdyakov.
Ivan began listening anxiously and questioned him.
"But he begged me not to tell Dmitri that he had told me about him," added Alyosha.
Ivan frowned and pondered.
"Are you frowning on Smerdyakov's account?" asked Alyosha.
"Yes, on his account.
Damn him, I certainly did want to see Dmitri, but now there's no need," said Ivan reluctantly.
"But are you really going so soon, brother?"
"What of Dmitri and father? how will it end?" asked Alyosha anxiously.
"You are always harping upon it!
What have I to do with it?
Am I my brother Dmitri's keeper?" Ivan snapped irritably, but then he suddenly smiled bitterly. "Cain's answer about his murdered brother, wasn't it?
Perhaps that's what you're thinking at this moment?
Well damn it all, I can't stay here to be their keeper, can I?
I've finished what I had to do, and I am going.
Do you imagine I am jealous of Dmitri, that I've been trying to steal his beautiful Katerina Ivanovna for the last three months?
Nonsense, I had business of my own.
I finished it. I am going.
I finished it just now, you were witness."
"At Katerina Ivanovna's?"
"Yes, and I've released myself once for all.
And after all, what have I to do with Dmitri?
Dmitri doesn't come in.
I had my own business to settle with Katerina Ivanovna.
You know, on the contrary, that Dmitri behaved as though there was an understanding between us.
I didn't ask to do it, but he solemnly handed her over to me and gave us his blessing.
It's all too funny.
Ah, Alyosha, if you only knew how light my heart is now!
Would you believe it, I sat here eating my dinner and was nearly ordering champagne to celebrate my first hour of freedom.
Tfoo! It's been going on nearly six months, and all at once I've thrown it off.
I could never have guessed even yesterday, how easy it would be to put an end to it if I wanted."
"You are speaking of your love, Ivan?"
"Of my love, if you like. I fell in love with the young lady, I worried myself over her and she worried me.
I sat watching over her... and all at once it's collapsed!
I spoke this morning with inspiration, but I went away and roared with laughter. Would you believe it?
Yes, it's the literal truth."
"You seem very merry about it now," observed Alyosha, looking into his face, which had suddenly grown brighter.
"But how could I tell that I didn't care for her a bit!
Ha ha!
It appears after all I didn't.
And yet how she attracted me!
How attractive she was just now when I made my speech!