I was very dirty.
My beard, evidently once blond, but now a dirt-stained and streaky brown, swept my midriff in a tangled mass.
My long hair, similarly stained and tangled, was all about my shoulders, while wisps of it continually strayed in the way of my vision so that sometimes I was compelled to brush it aside with my hands.
For the most part, however, I contented myself with peering through it like a wild animal from a thicket.
Just at the tunnel-like mouth of my dim cave the day reared itself in a wall of blinding sunshine.
After a time I crawled to the entrance, and, for the sake of greater discomfort, lay down in the burning sunshine on a narrow ledge of rock.
It positively baked me, that terrible sun, and the more it hurt me the more I delighted in it, or in myself rather, in that I was thus the master of my flesh and superior to its claims and remonstrances.
When I found under me a particularly sharp, but not too sharp, rock-projection, I ground my body upon the point of it, rowelled my flesh in a very ecstasy of mastery and of purification.
It was a stagnant day of heat.
Not a breath of air moved over the river valley on which I sometimes gazed.
Hundreds of feet beneath me the wide river ran sluggishly.
The farther shore was flat and sandy and stretched away to the horizon.
Above the water were scattered clumps of palm-trees.
On my side, eaten into a curve by the river, were lofty, crumbling cliffs.
Farther along the curve, in plain view from my eyrie, carved out of the living rock, were four colossal figures.
It was the stature of a man to their ankle joints.
The four colossi sat, with hands resting on knees, with arms crumbled quite away, and gazed out upon the river.
At least three of them so gazed. Of the fourth all that remained were the lower limbs to the knees and the huge hands resting on the knees.
At the feet of this one, ridiculously small, crouched a sphinx; yet this sphinx was taller than I.
I looked upon these carven images with contempt, and spat as I looked.
I knew not what they were, whether forgotten gods or unremembered kings.
But to me they were representative of the vanity of earth-men and earth-aspirations.
And over all this curve of river and sweep of water and wide sands beyond arched a sky of aching brass unflecked by the tiniest cloud.
The hours passed while I roasted in the sun.
Often, for quite decent intervals, I forgot my heat and pain in dreams and visions and in memories.
All this I knew—crumbling colossi and river and sand and sun and brazen sky—was to pass away in the twinkling of an eye.
At any moment the trumps of the archangels might sound, the stars fall out of the sky, the heavens roll up as a scroll, and the Lord God of all come with his hosts for the final judgment.
Ah, I knew it so profoundly that I was ready for such sublime event.
That was why I was here in rags and filth and wretchedness.
I was meek and lowly, and I despised the frail needs and passions of the flesh.
And I thought with contempt, and with a certain satisfaction, of the far cities of the plain I had known, all unheeding, in their pomp and lust, of the last day so near at hand.
Well, they would see soon enough, but too late for them.
And I should see.
But I was ready.
And to their cries and lamentations would I arise, reborn and glorious, and take my well-earned and rightful place in the City of God.
At times, between dreams and visions in which I was verily and before my time in the City of God, I conned over in my mind old discussions and controversies.
Yes, Novatus was right in his contention that penitent apostates should never again be received into the churches.
Also, there was no doubt that Sabellianism was conceived of the devil.
So was Constantine, the arch-fiend, the devil’s right hand. Continually I returned to contemplation of the nature of the unity of God, and went over and over the contentions of Noetus, the Syrian.
Better, however, did I like the contentions of my beloved teacher, Arius.
Truly, if human reason could determine anything at all, there must have been a time, in the very nature of sonship, when the Son did not exist.
In the nature of sonship there must have been a time when the Son commenced to exist.
A father must be older than his son.
To hold otherwise were a blasphemy and a belittlement of God.
And I remembered back to my young days when I had sat at the feet of Arius, who had been a presbyter of the city of Alexandria, and who had been robbed of the bishopric by the blasphemous and heretical Alexander.
Alexander the Sabellianite, that is what he was, and his feet had fast hold of hell.
Yes, I had been to the Council of Nicea, and seen it avoid the issue.
And I remembered when the Emperor Constantine had banished Arius for his uprightness.
And I remembered when Constantine repented for reasons of state and policy and commanded Alexander—the other Alexander, thrice cursed, Bishop of Constantinople—to receive Arius into communion on the morrow.
And that very night did not Arius die in the street?