“I know, I know what you’ll say,” Alyosha interrupted.
“If I could be at Katya’s I ought to have had twice as much reason to be here.
I quite agree with you and will add for myself not twice as much reason but a million times as much.
But, to begin with, there are strange unexpected events in life which upset everything and turn it topsyturvy, and it’s just things of that sort that have been happening to me.
I tell you I’ve become an utterly different person during the last days. New all over to the tips of my fingers. So they must have been important events!”
“Oh, dear me, but what has happened to you?
Don’t keep us in suspense, please!” cried Natasha, smiling at Alyosha’s heat.
He really was rather absurd, he talked very fast, his words rushed out pellmell in a quick, continual patter.
He was longing to tell us everything, to speak, to talk.
But as he talked he still held Natasha’s hand and continually raised it to his lips as though he could never kiss it enough.
“That’s the whole point – what has happened to me,” Alyosha went on.
“Ah, my friends, the things I’ve been seeing and doing, the people I’ve got to know!
To begin with Katya! Such a perfect creature!
I didn’t know her a bit, not a bit till now.
Even the other day, that Tuesday when I talked about her, do you remember, Natasha, with such enthusiasm, even then I hardly knew her a bit.
She hasn’t shown her real self to me till now.
But now we’ve got to know each other thoroughly.
We call each other Katya and Alyosha.
But I’ll begin at the beginning. To begin with, Natasha, if only you could hear all that she said to me when I spoke to her about you the other day, Wednesday it was, and told her all that had happened here.... And by the way, I remember how stupid I was when I came to see you on Wednesday!
You greeted me with enthusiasm, you were full of our new position; you wanted to talk to me about it all; you were sad, and at the same time you were full of mischief and playing with me; while I was trying to be dignified.
Oh, fool, fool that I was!
Would you believe it, I was longing to show off, to boast that I was soon to be a husband, a dignified person, and to think of my showing off to you!
Ah, how you must have laughed at me, and how I deserved your ridicule!
Prince Valkovsky sat in silence, looking with a sort of triumphantly ironical smile at Alyosha.
He seemed to be glad that his son was showing himself so flighty and even ridiculous.
I watched him carefully all that evening, and came to the conclusion that he was not at all fond of his son, though he was always talking of his warm fatherly devotion to him.
“From you I went to Katya,” Alyosha rattled on.
“I’ve told you already that it was only that morning we got to know each other thoroughly, and it’s queer how it happened . . . I don’t remember how it was . . . some warm words, some feelings, thoughts frankly uttered and we were friends for ever.
You must know her, you must, Natasha.
How she talked to me, how she interpreted you to me.
How she explained to me what a treasure you are.
By degrees she made me understand all her ideas, all her views of life; she’s such an earnest, such an enthusiastic girl!
She talked of duty, of our mission in life, of how we all ought to serve humanity and, as we thoroughly agreed, after five or six hours of conversation, we ended by swearing eternal friendship, and that we would work together all our lives!
“Work at what?” asked his father in astonishment.
“I’m so changed, father, that all this must surprise you. I know all your objections beforehand,” Alyosha responded triumphantly.
“You are all practical people, you have so many grave, severe principles that are out of date. You look with mistrust, with hostility, with derision at everything new, everything young and fresh.
But I’m not the same now as you knew me a few days ago.
I’m a different man!
I look everything and everyone in the world boldly in the face.
If I know that my conviction is right I will follow it up to its utmost limit. and if I’m not turned aside from my path I’m an honest man.
That’s enough for me.
You can say what you like after that. I believe in myself.”
“Ohho!” said the prince jeeringly.
Natasha looked round at us uneasily.
She was afraid for Alyosha.
It often happened that he showed to great disadvantage in conversation, and she knew it.
She did not want Alyosha to make himself ridiculous before us, and especially before his father.
“What are you saying, Alyosha?
I suppose it’s some sort of philosophy,” she said. “Someone’s been lecturing you ... You’d much better tell us what you’ve been doing.”
“But I am telling you! “ cried Alyosha.