He’s somehow able to do all that at once.”
“If I knew for certain that he loved her I would make up my mind ... Vanya!
Don’t hide anything from me!
Do you know something you don’t want to tell me?”
She looked at me with an uneasy, searching gaze.
“I know nothing, my dear. I give you my word of honour; I’ve always been open with you.
But I’ll tell you what I do think: very likely he’s not nearly so much in love with the countess’s stepdaughter as we suppose.
It’s nothing but attraction ....”
“You think so, Vanya?
My God, if I were sure of that!
Oh, how I should like to see him at this moment, simply to look at him!
I should find out everything from his face!
But he doesn’t come!
He doesn’t come!”
“Surely you don’t expect him, Natasha?”
“No, he’s with her; I know. I sent to find out.
How I should like to have a look at her, too.... Listen, Vanya, I’m talking nonsense, but is it really impossible for me to see her, is it impossible to meet her anywhere?
What do you think?”
She waited anxiously to hear what I should say.
“You might see her.
But simply to see her wouldn’t amount to much.”
“It would be enough for me only to see her; I should be able to tell then, for myself.
Listen, I have become so stupid, you know. I walk up and down, up and down, here, always alone, always alone, always thinking; thoughts come rushing like a whirlwind! It’s so horrible!
One thing I’ve thought of, Vanya; couldn’t you get to know her?
You know the countess admired your novel (you said so yourself at the time). You sometimes go to Prince R–‘s evenings; she’s sometimes there.
Manage to be presented to her.
Or perhaps Alyosha could introduce you.
Then you could tell me all about her.”
“Natasha, dear, we’ll talk of that later.
Tell me, do you seriously think you have the strength to face a separation?
Look at yourself now; you’re not calm.”
“I . . . shall . . . have!” she answered, hardly audibly.
“Anything for him.
My whole life for his sake.
But you know, Vanya, I can’t bear his being with her now, and having forgotten me; he is sitting by her, talking, laughing, as he used to sit here, do you remember? He’s looking into her eyes; he always does look at people like that – and it never occurs to him that I am here ... with you.”
She broke off without finishing and looked at me in despair.
“Why, Natasha, only just now you were saying . . .”
“Let’s separate both at once, of our own accord,” she interrupted with flashing eyes.
“I will give him my blessing for that . . . but it’s hard, Vanya, that he should forget me first!
Ah, Vanya, what agony it is!
I don’t understand myself. One thinks one thing, but it’s different when it comes to doing it.
What will become of me!”
“Hush, hush, Natasha, calm yourself.”
“And now it’s five days. Every hour, every minute.... If I sleep I dream of nothing but him, nothing but him!
I tell you what, Vanya, let’s go there. You take me!”
“Hush, Natasha!
“Yes, we will go!
I’ve only been waiting for you!
I’ve been thinking about it for the last three days.
That was what I meant in my letter to you.... You must take me, you mustn’t refuse me this. . . I’ve been expecting you ... for three days.... There’s a party there this evening.... He’s there ... let us go!”