I said that before. . . . You insisted on it yourself.... But, listen, Ivan Petrovitch, perhaps it will an be for the best, don’t you think?
They’ll be reconciled, you know, in the end.
We shall reconcile them.
That is so, there’s no doubt of it. They can’t hold out against our love.... Let them curse us; we shall love them all the same, and they can’t hold out.
You don’t know what a kind heart my father has sometimes.
He only looks ferocious, but at other times he’s most reasonable.
If you only knew how gently he talked to me today, persuading me!
And I’m going against him today, and that makes me very sad.
It’s all these stupid prejudices!
It’s simple madness!
Why, if he were to take a good look at her, and were to spend only half an hour with her, he would sanction everything at once.”
Alyosha looked tenderly and passionately at Natasha.
“I’ve fancied a thousand times with delight,” he went on babbling, “how he will love her as soon as he gets to know her, and how she’ll astonish everyone.
Why, they’ve never seen a girl like her!
My father is convinced that she is simply a schemer.
It’s my duty to vindicate her honour, and I shall do it.
Ah, Natasha, everyone loves you, everyone. Nobody could help loving you,” he added rapturously.
“Though I’m not nearly good enough for you, still you must love me, Natasha, and I ... you know me!
And do we need much to make us happy!
No, I believe, I do believe that this evening is bound to bring us all happiness, peace and harmony I Blessed be this evening!
Isn’t it so, Natasha?
But what’s the matter?
But, my goodness, what’s the matter?”
She was pale as death.
All the while Alyosha rambled on she was looking intently at him, but her eyes grew dimmer and more fixed, and her face turned whiter and whiter.
I fancied at last that she had sunk into a stupor and did not hear him.
Alyosha’s exclamation seemed to rouse her.
She came to herself, looked round her, and suddenly rushed to me.
Quickly, as though in haste and anxious to hide it from Alyosha, she took a letter out of her pocket and gave it to me.
It was a letter to her father and mother, and had been written overnight.
As she gave it me she looked intently at me as though she could not take her eyes off me.
There was a look of despair in them; I shall never forget that terrible look.
I was overcome by horror, too. I saw that only now she realized all the awfulness of what she was doing.
She struggled to say something, began to speak, and suddenly fell fainting.
I was just in time to catch her.
Alyosha turned pale with alarm; he rubbed her temples, kissed her hands and her lips.
In two minutes she came to herself.
The cab in which Alyosha had come was standing not far off; he called it.
When she was in the cab Natasha clutched my hand frantically, and a hot tear scalded my fingers.
The cab started.
I stood a long while watching it.
All my happiness was ruined from that moment, and my life was broken in half.
I felt that poignantly.... I walked slowly back to my old friends.
I did not know what to say to them, how I should go in to them.
My thoughts were numb; my legs were giving way beneath me.
And that’s the story of my happiness; so my love was over and ended.
I will now take up my story where I left it.
Chapter X
Five days after Smith’s death, I moved into his lodging.
All that day I felt insufferably sad.