I should never have thought of it myself – I’ve not been brought up like that, I haven’t been properly educated.
It’s true, I know it myself, I’m featherheaded and scarcely fit for anything; but, do you know, a wonderful idea occurred to me the day before yesterday.
I’ll tell you now though it’s hardly the moment, for Natasha, too, must hear, and you’ll give me your advice.
You know I want to write stories and send them to the magazines just as you do.
You’ll help me with the editors, won’t you?
I’ve been reckoning upon you, and I lay awake all last night thinking of a novel, just as an experiment, and do you know, it might turn out a charming thing.
I took the subject from a comedy of Scribe’s.... But I’ll tell you it afterwards.
The great thing is they would pay for it.... You see, they pay you.”
I could not help smiling.
“You laugh,” he said, smiling in response.
“But, I say,” he added with incredible simplicity, “don’t think I’m quite as bad as I seem. I’m really awfully observant, you’ll see that.
Why shouldn’t I try?
It might come to something.... But I dare say you’re right. Of course I know nothing of real life; that’s what Natasha tells me; and indeed everyone says so; I should be a queer sort of writer.
You may laugh, you may laugh; you’ll set me right; you’ll be doing it for her sake, and you love her.
I tell you the truth. I’m not good enough for her; I feel that; it’s a great grief to me, and I don’t know why she’s so fond of me.
But I feel I’d give my life for her.
I’ve really never been afraid of anything before, but at this moment I feel frightened. What is it we’re doing?
Heavens, is it possible that when a man’s absolutely set upon his duty he shouldn’t have the brains and the courage to do it?
You must help us, anyway; you’re our friend. You’re the only friend left us.
For what can I do alone!
Forgive me for reckoning on you like this. I think of you as such a noble man, and far superior to me.
But I shall improve, believe me, and be worthy of you both.”
At this point he pressed my hand again, and his fine eyes were full of warm and sincere feeling.
He held out his hand to me so confidingly, had such faith in my being his friend.
“She will help me to improve,” he went on.
“But don’t think anything very bad of me; don’t be too grieved about us.
I have great hopes, in spite of everything, and on the financial side we’ve no need to trouble.
If my novel doesn’t succeed – to tell the truth I thought this morning that the novel is a silly idea, and I only talked about it to hear your opinion – I could, if the worst comes to the worst, give musiclessons.
You didn’t know I was good at music?
I’m not ashamed to live by work like that; I have quite the new ideas about that.
Besides I’ve a lot of valuable knickknacks, things for the toilet; what do we want with them?
I’ll sell them. And you know we can live for ever so long on that!
And if the worst comes to the worst, I can even take a post in, some department.
My father would really be glad. He’s always at me to go into the service, but I always make out I’m not well. (But I believe my name is put down for something.) But when he sees that marriage has done me good, and made me steady, and that I have really gone into the service, he’ll be delighted and forgive me. . . .”
“But, Alexey Petrovitch, have you thought what a terrible todo there’ll be now between your father and hers?
What will it be like in her home this evening, do you suppose?”
And I motioned towards Natasha, who had turned deadly pale at my words.
I was merciless.
“Yes, yes, you’re right. It’s awful!” he answered.
“I’ve thought about it already and grieved over it. But what can we do?
You’re right ; if only her parents will forgive us!
And how I love them – if you only knew!
They’ve been like a father and mother to me, and this is how I repay them!
Ach, these quarrels, these lawsuits!
You can’t imagine how unpleasant all that is now.
And what are they quarrelling about!
We all love one another so, and yet we’re quarrelling.
If only they’d be reconciled and make an end of it!
That’s what I’d do in their place.... I feel frightened at what you say.
Natasha, it’s awful what we’re doing, you and I !