Natasha did not detain him; she even urged him to go.
She was dreadfully afraid that Alyosha would now force himself to stay with her from morning till night, and would weary of her.
She only begged him to say nothing in her name, and tried to smile at him more cheerfully at parting.
He was just on the point of going, but he suddenly went up to her, took her by both hands and sat down beside her.
He looked at her with indescribable tenderness.
“Natasha, my darling, my angel, don’t be angry with me, and don’t let us ever quarrel.
And give me your word that you’ll always believe me, and I will believe you.
There, my angel, I’ll tell you now. We quarrelled once; I don’t remember what about: it was my fault.
We wouldn’t speak to one another.
I didn’t want to be the first to beg pardon and I was awfully miserable.
I wandered all over the town, lounged about everywhere, went to see my friends, and my heart was so heavy, so heavy.... And then the thought came into my mind, what if you fell ill, for instance, and died?
And when I imagined that, I suddenly felt such despair as though I had really lost you for ever.
My thoughts grew more and more oppressive and terrible.
And little by little I began to imagine going to your tomb, falling upon it in despair, embracing it, and swooning with anguish.
I imagined how I would kiss that tomb, and call you out of it, if only for a moment, and pray God for a miracle that for one moment you might rise up before me; I imagined how I would rush to embrace you, press you to me, kiss you, and die, it seemed, with bliss at being able once more for one instant to hold you in my arms as before.
And as I was imagining that, the thought suddenly came to me: why, I shall pray to God for one minute of you, and meanwhile you have been with me six months, and during those six months how many times we’ve quarrelled, how many days we wouldn’t speak to one another.
For whole days we’ve been on bad terms and despised our happiness, and here I’m praying you to come for one minute from the tomb, and I’m ready to give my whole life for that minute. . . .
When I fancied all that I couldn’t restrain myself, but rushed to you as fast as I could; I ran here, and you were expecting me, and when we embraced after that quarrel I remember I held you in my arms as tightly as though I were really losing you, Natasha.
Don’t let us ever quarrel!
It always hurts me so.
And, good heavens, how could you imagine that I could leave you!”
Natasha was crying.
They embraced each other warmly, and Alyosha swore once more that he would never leave her.
Then he flew off to his father.
He was firmly convinced that he would settle everything, that he would make everything come right.
“It’s all ended!
It’s all over!” said Natasha, pressing my hand convulsively.
“He loves me and he will never cease to love me. But he loves Katya, too, and in a little time he’ll love her more than me.
And that viper, the prince, will keep his eyes open, and then . . .”
“Natasha!
I, too, believe that the prince is not acting straightforwardly, but . . .”
“You don’t believe all I’ve said to him!
I saw that from your face.
But wait a little, you’ll see for yourself whether I’m right.
I was only speaking generally, but heaven knows what else he has in his mind!
He’s an awful man.
I’ve been walking up and down this room for the last four days, and I see through it all.
He had to set Alyosha free, to relieve his heart from the burden of sadness that’s weighing on his life, from the duty of loving me.
He thought of this project of marriage with the idea, too, of worming his way in between us and influencing us, and of captivating Alyosha by his generosity and magnanimity.
That’s the truth, that’s the truth, Vanya!
Alyosha’s just that sort of character.
His mind would be set at rest about me, his uneasiness on my account would be over.
He would think, ‘why, she’s my wife now, and mine for life,’ and would unconsciously pay more attention to Katya.
The prince has evidently studied Katya, and realizes that she’s suited to him, and that she may attract him more than I can.
Ach, Vanya, you are my only hope now! He wants for some reason to approach you, to get to know you.
Don’t oppose this, and for goodness’ sake, dear, try to find some way of going to the countess’s soon; make friends with this Katya, study her thoroughly and tell me what she is like.
I want to know what you think of her.
No one knows me as you do, and you will understand what I want.
Find out, too, how far their friendship goes, how much there is between them, what they talk about. It’s Katya, Katya, you must observe chiefly. Show me this once more, dear, darling Vanya, show me this once more what a true friend you are to me!
You are my hope, my only hope now.”