The director of the Hercules hadn’t signed papers in his own hand in a long while.
Whenever the need arose, he took a stamp out of his vest pocket, breathed on it affectionately, and imprinted a purple facsimile of his signature next to his title.
He really enjoyed this process, and it occurred to him that it wouldn’t be a bad idea to commit some of the most common resolutions to rubber as well.
That was how the first of the rubber dictums came into being:
NO OBJECTIONS. POLYKHAEV
AGREED. POLYKHAEV
GOOD THINKING. POLYKHAEV
AKE IT HAPPEN. POLYKHAEV
After testing the new tool, the boss of the Hercules concluded that it simplified his job significantly and thus deserved to be promoted and advanced still further.
Another batch of rubber was soon put to work.
This time, the resolutions were more elaborate:
ISSUE A FORMAL REPRIMAND. POLYKHAEV
ISSUE A WARNING. POLYKHAEV
ASSIGN TO A REMOTE LOCATION. POLYKHAEV
DISMISS WITHOUT SEVERANCE PAY. POLYKHAEV
The war that the director of the Hercules was waging against the Municipal Affairs Department over the building inspired a few more general-purpose statements:
I DON’T REPORT TO MUNICIPAL AFFAIRS. POLYKHAEV
ARE THEY COMPLETELY CRAZY? POLYKHAEV
LEAVE ME ALONE. POLYKHAEV
I’M NOT YOUR NIGHT WATCHMAN. POLYKHAEV
THE HOTEL IS OURS, AND THAT’S THAT. POLYKHAEV
I’M NOT A FOOL. POLYKHAEV
NO BEDS, NO SINKS FOR YOU. POLYKHAEV
This particular set was ordered in three copies.
The war was expected to be protracted, and the insightful director had good reason to believe that a single set might not suffice.
The next set was ordered to meet the internal needs of the Hercules.
ASK IMPALA MIKHAILOVNA. POLYKHAEV
GIVE ME A BREAK. POLYKHAEV
EASY DOES IT. POLYKHAEV
GO TO HELL! POLYKHAEV
Naturally, the director’s creative thinking went beyond strictly administrative matters.
As a man of broad vision, he simply couldn’t ignore the political issues of the day.
And so he ordered an extraordinary universal stamp that took him several days to develop.
It was a magnificent rubber creation, which Polykhaev could apply in every eventuality.
Not only did it enable him to react to events expeditiously, it also relieved him of the need to think long and hard each time.
The handy stamp was designed so that he only needed to fill out the blank space in order to produce a timely and appropriate resolution:
IN RESPONSE TO ,
WE THE HERCULEANS, TO A PERSON, WILL RESPOND BY:
A) IMPROVING THE QUALITY OF OUR BUSINESS CORRESPONDENCE;
B) INCREASING OUR PRODUCTIVITY;
C) INTENSIFYING THE FIGHT AGAINST RED TAPE, OBSTRUCTIONISM, NEPOTISM, AND SYCOPHANCY;
D) DOING AWAY WITH ABSENTEEISM AND BIRTHDAY PARTIES;
E) REDUCING EXPENDITURES ON CALENDARS AND PORTRAITS;
F) STEPPING UP UNION ACTIVITIES;
G) CEASING TO CELEBRATE CHRISTMAS, EASTER, WHIT MONDAY, ANNUNCIATION, EPIPHANY, KURBAN-BAIRAM, YOM KIPPUR, RAMADAN, PURIM, AND OTHER RELIGIOUS HOLIDAYS;
H) RELENTLESSLY FIGHTING AGAINST MISMANAGEMENT, HOOLIGANISM, ALCOHOLISM, AVOIDANCE OF RESPONSIBILITY, SPINELESSNESS, AND ANTI-MARXIST DISTORTIONS;
I) JOINING, TO A MAN, THE SOCIETY AGAINST CONVENTION ON THE OPERA STAGE;
J) SWITCHING ENTIRELY TO SOYBEANS;
K) TRANSFERRING ALL PAPERWORK TO THE ROMAN ALPHABET;
AS WELL AS ANYTHING THAT MAY BE NECESSARY HENCEFORTH.