Ilya Ilf and Evgeny Petrov Fullscreen Golden calf (1931)

Pause

Now it comes closer.

It’s about to start hissing at me.

These birds think they are stronger than anybody, and that’s their weak point.

Bender!

That’s their weak point!”

The violator of the pact was all but chanting:

“So now it confronts me, hissing like a phonograph.

But I’m not from a timid bunch, Bender.

Somebody else would have fled, but me, I stand there and wait.

Now it comes near and stretches out its neck, a white goose-neck with a yellow beak.

It wants to bite me.

Note, Bender, that I’m on the moral high ground here.

I don’t attack the goose, it attacks me.

So, in self-defense, I grab . . .”

But Panikovsky never finished his speech.

There came a horrible, nauseating crack, and the next moment, the Antelopeans found themselves lying on the road in the most peculiar positions.

Balaganov’s legs we sticking out of a ditch.

The grand strategist had a can of gasoline lying on his stomach.

Panikovsky was moaning under the weight of a suspension spring.

Kozlevich rose to his feet and took a few unsteady steps.

The Antelope was no more.

An ugly pile of rubble was lying on the road: pistons, cushions, springs.

The copper intestines glistened in the moonlight.

The car’s body fell apart and slid into the ditch next to Balaganov, who had just come back to his senses.

The chain crawled down into a rut like a viper.

The sudden stillness was broken by a high-pitched ringing noise, as a wheel rolled in from some nearby mound, where it must have been thrown by the blast.

The wheel traced a curve and landed gently at Adam’s feet.

And only then did the driver realize that it was all over.

The Antelope was dead.

Adam sat down on the ground and put his arms around his head.

A few minutes later, the captain touched his shoulder and said gently:

“Adam, we must go now.”

Kozlevich got up and then quickly sat down again.

“We must go now,” repeated Ostap.

“The Antelope was a good, faithful car, but there are plenty of other cars out there.

You will soon be able to choose any one you want.

Let’s go, we need to hurry up.

We have to spend the night somewhere, we have to eat, we have to find money for train tickets somehow.

It’ll be a long trip.

Come on, Kozlevich, let’s go! Life is beautiful, despite certain shortcomings.

Where’s Panikovsky?

Where’s that goose thief?

Shura!

Help Adam out!”

They dragged Kozlevich forward, holding him by the arms.

He felt like a cavalryman whose horse has been killed due to his own negligence.

He imagined that pedestrians would start making fun of him.

After the Antelope’s demise, life immediately became more complicated.

They had to spend the night in the fields.

Ostap angrily fell asleep right away. Balaganov and Kozlevich also fell asleep, but Panikovsky spent the whole night shivering by the fire.