Then I went in and bought coffee.
Fortunately, the table we had used last time was empty. She would think of looking for me back there.
She saw me and waved to me, but stopped at the counter for coffee before she came over to the table.
She smiled and I knew it was because I had chosen the same table.
A foolish, romantic gesture.
"I know it's late," I apologized, "but I swear I was going out of my mind.
I had to talk to you."
She sipped her coffee and listened quietly as I explained how I had found out about Gimpy's cheating, my own reaction, and the conflicting advice I'd gotten at the lab. When I finished, she sat back and shook her head.
"Charlie, you amaze me.
In some ways you're so advanced, and yet when it comes to making a decision, you're still a child.
I can't decide for you, Charlie.
The answer can't be found in books—or be solved by bringing it to other people. Not unless you want to remain a child all your life.
You've got to find the answer inside you—-feel the right thing to do.
Charlie, you've got to learn to trust yourself."
At first, I was annoyed at her lecture, but then suddenly—it began to make sense.
"You mean, I've got to decide?"
She nodded.
"In fact," I said, "now that I think of it, I believe I've already decided some of it!
I think Nemur and Strauss are both wrong!"
She was watching me closely, excitedly.
"Something is happening to you, Charlie.
If you could only see your face."
"You're damned right, something is happening!
A cloud of smoke was hanging in front of my eyes, and with one breath you blew it away.
A simple idea.
Trust myself.
And it never occurred to me before."
"Charlie, you're wonderful."
I caught her hand and held it.
"No, it's you.
You touch my eyes and make me see."
She blushed and pulled her hand back.
"The last time we were here," I said, "I told you I liked you.
I should have trusted myself to say I love you."
"Don't, Charlie.
Not yet."
"Not yet?" I shouted.
"That's what you said last time.
Why not yet?"
"Shhhh.. .Wait a while, Charlie.
Finish your studies. See where they lead you.
You're changing too fast."
"What does that have to do with it?
My feeling for you won't change because I'm becoming intelligent. I'll only love you more."
"But you're changing emotionally too. In a peculiar sense I'm the first woman you've ever been really aware of—in this way.
Up to now I've been your teacher— someone you turn to for help and advice. You're bound to think you're in love with me.
See other women.
Give yourself more time."
"What you're saying is that young boys are always falling in love with their teachers, and that emotionally I'm still just a boy."
"You're twisting my words around.