The book says it gives him confi-dence and a feeling of achievement."
The terror that waits in that cold tile room overwhelms him.
He is afraid to go there alone.
He reaches up for her hand and sobs out:
"Toi— toi…" and she slaps his hand away.
"No more," she says sternly.
"You're a big boy now. You can go by yourself.
Now march right into that bathroom and pull your pants down the way I taught you.
I warn you if you make in your pants you'll get spanked."
I can almost feel it now, the stretching and knotting in his intestines as the two of them stand over him waiting to see what he will do.
His whimper becomes a soft crying as suddenly he can control no longer, and he sobs and covers his face with his hands as he dirties himself.
It is soft and warm and he feels the confusion of relief and fear. It is his, but she will take it away from him as she always does. She will take it away and keep it for herself.
And she will spank him.
She comes toward him, screaming that he is a bad boy, and Charlie runs to his father for help.
Suddenly, I remember that her name is Rose and his name is Matt.
It's odd to have forgotten your parents' names.
And what about Norma?
Strange I haven't thought about them all for a long time.
I wish I could see Matt's face now, to know what he was thinking at that moment.
All I remember is that as she began to spank me, Matt Gordon turned and walked out of the apartment.
I wish I could see their faces more clearly.
PROGRESS REPORT 11
May 1
Why haven't I ever noticed how beautiful Alice Kinnian is?
She has pigeon-soft brown eyes and feathery brown hair down to the hollow of her neck.
When she smiles, her full lips look as if she's pouting.
We went to a movie and then to dinner.
I didn't see much of the first picture because I was too conscious of her sitting next to me.
Twice her bare arm touched mine on the armrest, and both times the fear that she would become annoyed made me pull back. All I could think about was her soft skin just inches away.
Then I saw, two rows ahead of us, a young man with his arm around his girl, and I wanted to put my arm around Miss Kinnian.
Terrifying.
But if I did it slowly… first resting my arm on the back of her seat… moving up… inch by inch… to rest near her shoulders and the back of her neck… casually…
I didn't dare.
The best I could do was rest my elbow on the back of her seat, but by the time I got there I had to shift position to wipe the perspiration off my face and neck.
Once, her leg accidentally brushed against mine.
It became such an ordeal—so painful—that I forced myself to take my mind off her.
The first picture had been a war film, and all I caught was the ending where the G.I. goes back to Europe to marry the woman who saved his life.
The second picture interested me.
A psychological film about a man and woman apparently in love but actually destroying each other.
Everything suggests that the man is going to kill his wife but at the last moment, something she screams out in a nightmare makes him recall something that happened to him during his childhood.
The sudden memory shows him that his hatred is really directed at a depraved governess who had terrified him with frightening stories and left a flaw in his personality.
Excited at discovering this, he cries out with joy so that his wife awakens.
He takes her in his arms and the implication is that all his problems have been solved.
It was pat and cheap, and I must have shown my anger because Alice wanted to know what was wrong.
"It's a lie," I explained, as we walked out into the lobby.
"Things just don't happen that way."
"Of course not." She laughed.
"It's a world of make-believe."
"Oh, no! That's no answer." I insisted.
"Even in the world of make-believe there have to be rules.