I never remembered any of this before today, but it came back to me after I thought about the dream.
It has something to do with the feeling about Miss Kinnian reading my progress reports.
Anyway, I'm glad now I don't have to ask anyone to write things for me.
Now I can do it for myself. But I just realized something.
Harriet never gave me back my locket.
April 18
I found out what a Rorschach is.
It's the test with the inkblots, the one I took before the operation.
As soon as I saw what it was, I got frightened.
I knew Burt was going to ask me to find the pictures, and I knew I wouldn't be able to.
I was thinking, if only there was some way of knowing what kind of pictures were hidden there.
Maybe there weren't any pictures at all.
Maybe it was just a trick to see if I was dumb enough to look for something that wasn't there.
Just thinking about it made me sore at him.
"All right, Charlie," he said, "you've seen these cards before, remember?"
"Of course, I remember."
The way I said it, he knew I was angry, and he looked up at me surprised.
"Anything wrong, Charlie?"
"No, nothings wrong.
Those inkblots upset me."
He smiled and shook his head.
"Nothing to be upset about.
This is just one of the standard personality tests.
Now I want you to look at this card.
What might this be? What do you see on this card?
People see all sorts of things in these inkblots.
Tell me what it might be for you—what it makes you think of."
I was shocked. I stared at the card and then at him. That wasn't what I had expected him to say at all.
"You mean there are no pictures hidden in those inkblots?"
Burt frowned and took off his glasses.
"What?"
"Pictures!
Hidden in the inkblots!
Last time you told me that everyone could see them and you wanted me to find them too."
"No, Charlie.
I couldn't have said that."
"What do you mean?" I shouted at him.
Being so afraid of the inkblots had made me angry at myself and at Burt too.
"That's what you said to me.
Just because you're smart enough to go to college doesn't mean you have to make fun of me.
I'm sick and tired of everybody laughing at me."
I don't recall ever being so angry before. I don't think it was at Burt himself, but suddenly everything exploded.
I tossed the Rorschach cards on the table and walked out.
Professor Nemur was passing by in the hall, and when I rushed past him without saying hello he knew something was wrong.
He and Burt caught up with me as I was about to go down in the elevator.
"Charlie," said Nemur, grabbing my arm. "Wait a minute.
What is this all about?"
I shook free and nodded at Burt.
"I'm sick and tired of people making fun of me.
That's all.