"Maybe that's why it was so important for me to learn.
I thought it would make people like me. I thought I would have friends. That's something to laugh at, isn't it?"
"There's more to it than just having a high I.Q."
That made me angry.
Probably because I didn't really understand what she was driving at.
More and more these days she didn't come right out and say what she meant. She hinted at things. She talked around them and expected me to know what she was thinking.
And I listened, pretending I understood but inside I was afraid she would see that I missed the point completely.
"I think it's time for you to leave."
Her face turned red.
"Not yet, Charlie. It's not time yet.
Don't send me away."
"You're making it harder for me.
You keep pretending I can do things and understand things that are far beyond me now. You're pushing me.
Just like my mother…"
"That's not true!"
"Everything you do says it.
The way you pick up and clean up after me, the way you leave books around that you think will get me interested in reading again, the way you talk to me about the news to get me thinking. You say it doesn't matter, but everything you do shows how much it matters. Always the schoolteacher.
I don't want to go to concerts or museums or foreign films or do anything that's going to make me struggle to think about life or about myself."
"Charlie—"
"Just leave me alone.
I'm not myself.
I'm falling apart, and I don't want you here."
That made her cry.
This afternoon she packed her bags and left.
The apartment feels quiet and empty now.
October 25
Deterioration progressing.
I've given up using the typewriter. Coordination is too bad.
From now on I'll have to write out these reports in longhand.
I thought a lot about the things Alice said, and then it hit me that if I kept on reading and learning new things, even while I was forgetting the old ones, I would be able to keep some of my intelligence.
I was on a down escalator now.
If I stood still I'd go all the way to the bottom, but if I started to run up maybe I could at least stay in the same place. The important thing was to keep moving upward no matter what happened.
So I went to the library and got out a lot of books to read. I've been reading a lot now.
Most of the books are too hard for me, but I don't care.
As long as I keep reading I'll learn new things and I won't forget how to read.
That's the most important thing.
If I keep reading, maybe I can hold my own.
Dr. Strauss came around the day after Alice left, so I guess she told him about me.
He pretended all he wanted was the progress reports but I told him I would send them.
I don't want him coming around here.
I told him he doesn't have to be worried about me because when I think I won't be able to take care of myself any more I'll get on a train and go to Warren. I told him I'd rather just go by myself when the time comes.
I tried to talk to Fay, but I can see she's afraid of me.
I guess she figures I've gone out of my mind.
Last night she came home with somebody—he looked very young.
This morning the landlady, Mrs. Mooney, came up with a bowl of hot chicken soup and some chicken.
She said she just thought she would look in on me to see if I was doing all right.
I told her I had lots of food to eat but she left it anyway and it was good.
She pretended she was doing it on her own but I'm not that stupid yet.
Alice or Strauss must have told her to look in on me and make sure I was all right.
Well, that's okay.