"See Jack.
See Jack run.
Run Jack see."
"No!
You're not trying.
Do it again!"
Do it again …do it again …do it again…
"Leave the boy alone.
You've got him terrified."
"He's got to learn.
He's too lazy to concentrate."
Run Jack run… run Jack run... run Jack run… run Jack run…
"He's slower than the other children.
Give him time."
"He's normal. There's nothing wrong with him.
Just lazy.
I'll beat it into him until he learns."
Run Jack run… run Jack run. .. run Jack run… run Jack run…
And then looking up from the table, it seems to me I saw myself, through Charlie's eyes, holding Paradise Lost, and I realized I was breaking the binding with the pressure of both hands as if I wanted to tear the book in half.
I broke the back of it, ripped out a handful of pages, and flung them and the book across the room to the corner where the broken records were.
I let it lay there and its torn white tongues were laughing because I couldn't understand what they were saying.
I've got to try to hold onto some of the things I've learned.
Please, God, don't take it all away.
October 10
Usually at night I go out for walks, wander around the city.
I don't know why.
To see faces, I guess.
Last night I couldn't remember where I lived.
A policeman took me home. I have the strange feeling that this has all happened to me before—a long time ago.
I don't want to write it down, but I keep reminding myself that I'm the only one in the world who can describe what happens when it goes this way.
Instead of walking I was floating through space, not clear and sharp, but with a gray film over everything.
I know what's happening to me, but there is nothing I can do about it.
I walk, or just stand on the sidewalk and watch people go by.
Some of them look at me, and some of them don't but nobody says anything to me—except one night a man came up and asked if I wanted a girl.
He took me to a place. He wanted ten dollars first and I gave it to him, but he never came back
And then I remembered what a fool I was.
October 11
When I came into my apartment this morning, I found Alice there, asleep on the couch.
Everything was cleaned up, and at first I thought I was in the wrong apartment, but then I saw she hadn't touched the smashed records or the torn books or the sheet music in the corner of the room.
The floor creaked and she woke up and looked at me.
"Hi," she laughed. "Some night owl."
"Not an owl. More of a dodo.
A dumb dodo.
How'd you get in here?"
"Through the fire escape. Fay's place.
I called her to find out about you and she said she was worried. She says you've been acting strangely—causing disturbances.
So, I decided it was time for me to put in an appearance. I straightened up a bit.
I didn't think you'd mind."
"I do mind… very much.
I don't want anybody coming around feeling sorry for me."