Would she be so attractive?
And would nearly five years change his point of view?
He would have to wear a convict suit all that time, and be known as a convict forever after.
It was hard to think about, but only made her more than ever determined to cling to him, whatever happened, and to help him all she could.
Indeed the day after his incarceration she drove out and looked at the grim, gray walls of the penitentiary.
Knowing nothing absolutely of the vast and complicated processes of law and penal servitude, it seemed especially terrible to her.
What might not they be doing to her Frank?
Was he suffering much?
Was he thinking of her as she was of him?
Oh, the pity of it all! The pity!
The pity of herself—her great love for him!
She drove home, determined to see him; but as he had originally told her that visiting days were only once in three months, and that he would have to write her when the next one was, or when she could come, or when he could see her on the outside, she scarcely knew what to do.
Secrecy was the thing.
The next day, however, she wrote him just the same, describing the drive she had taken on the stormy afternoon before—the terror of the thought that he was behind those grim gray walls—and declaring her determination to see him soon.
And this letter, under the new arrangement, he received at once.
He wrote her in reply, giving the letter to Wingate to mail.
It ran:
My sweet girl:—I fancy you are a little downhearted to think I cannot be with you any more soon, but you mustn't be.
I suppose you read all about the sentence in the paper.
I came out here the same morning—nearly noon.
If I had time, dearest, I'd write you a long letter describing the situation so as to ease your mind; but I haven't.
It's against the rules, and I am really doing this secretly.
I'm here, though, safe enough, and wish I were out, of course.
Sweetest, you must be careful how you try to see me at first.
You can't do me much service outside of cheering me up, and you may do yourself great harm.
Besides, I think I have done you far more harm than I can ever make up to you and that you had best give me up, although I know you do not think so, and I would be sad, if you did.
I am to be in the Court of Special Pleas, Sixth and Chestnut, on Friday at two o'clock; but you cannot see me there.
I'll be out in charge of my counsel.
You must be careful.
Perhaps you'll think better, and not come here.
This last touch was one of pure gloom, the first Cowperwood had ever introduced into their relationship but conditions had changed him.
Hitherto he had been in the position of the superior being, the one who was being sought—although Aileen was and had been well worth seeking—and he had thought that he might escape unscathed, and so grow in dignity and power until she might not possibly be worthy of him any longer.
He had had that thought.
But here, in stripes, it was a different matter.
Aileen's position, reduced in value as it was by her long, ardent relationship with him, was now, nevertheless, superior to his—apparently so.
For after all, was she not Edward Butler's daughter, and might she, after she had been away from him a while, wish to become a convict's bride.
She ought not to want to, and she might not want to, for all he knew; she might change her mind.
She ought not to wait for him.
Her life was not yet ruined.
The public did not know, so he thought—not generally anyhow—that she had been his mistress.
She might marry.
Why not, and so pass out of his life forever.
And would not that be sad for him?
And yet did he not owe it to her, to a sense of fair play in himself to ask her to give him up, or at least think over the wisdom of doing so?
He did her the justice to believe that she would not want to give him up; and in his position, however harmful it might be to her, it was an advantage, a connecting link with the finest period of his past life, to have her continue to love him.
He could not, however, scribbling this note in his cell in Wingate's presence, and giving it to him to mail (Overseer Chapin was kindly keeping a respectful distance, though he was supposed to be present), refrain from adding, at the last moment, this little touch of doubt which, when she read it, struck Aileen to the heart.
She read it as gloom on his part—as great depression.
Perhaps, after all, the penitentiary and so soon, was really breaking his spirit, and he had held up so courageously so long.
Because of this, now she was madly eager to get to him, to console him, even though it was difficult, perilous.
She must, she said.