In fact, nothing amuses me here. And the worst of it is that nothing bores me, either. Is it the air of this dirty country, the silence of the fields, the heavy, coarse food that I eat?
A feeling of torpor is taking possession of me,—a feeling, moreover, which is not without charm.
At any rate, it dulls my sensibility, deadens my dreams, and helps me to endure Madame's insolence and scolding.
Thanks to it also, I feel a certain content in chattering, at night, for hours, with Marianne and Joseph,—this strange Joseph who does not go out any more, and seems to find pleasure in remaining with us.
The idea that Joseph perhaps is in love with me,—well, that flatters me.
Yes, indeed, I have got to that point. And then I read, and read,—novels, novels, and more novels. I have reread Paul Bourget.
His books do not excite my enthusiasm as they used to. In fact, they tire me, and I consider them false and superficial.
They are conceived in that state of soul which I know well from having experienced it when, dazzled and fascinated, I came in contact with wealth and luxury.
I am all over it to-day, and these things no longer astonish me.
They still astonish Paul Bourget.
Oh!
I would not be so silly now as to go to him for psychological explanations, for I know better than he what there is behind a parlor portiere and under a lace dress. _____
A thing to which I cannot get accustomed is the receiving of no letters from Paris.
Every morning, when the carrier comes, I feel a sort of laceration in my heart at realizing that I am so abandoned by everybody; and it is in this way that I can best measure the extent of my solitude.
In vain have I written to my old comrades, and especially to Monsieur Jean, urgent and disconsolate letters; in vain have I implored them to pay some attention to me, to take me out of my hell, to find me a place in Paris, however humble it may be.
Not one of them answers me. I would never have believed in so much indifference, in so much ingratitude.
And this forces me to cling more tightly to what I have left,—my memories and the past.
Memories in which, in spite of everything, joy dominates suffering; a past which renews my hope that all is not over with me, and that it is not true that an accidental fall means irreparable ruin. That is why, alone in my room, while, on the other side of my partition, Marianne's snoring represents to me the distressing present, I try to drown this ridiculous sound in the sound of my old-time joys, and I passionately scrutinize this past, in order to reconstruct from its scattered bits the illusion of a future.
This very day, October 6, is a date full of recollections.
During the five years that have elapsed since the tragedy which I now desire to relate, all the details have remained deep-rooted within me.
There is a dead boy in this tragedy, a poor little dead boy, sweet and pretty, whom I killed by giving him too many caresses and too many joys, by giving him too much of life. And during the five years since he died,—died of me,—this will be the first time that I have not gone, on the sixth of October, to cover his grave with the usual flowers. But of these flowers, which I shall not carry to his grave, I will make a more durable bouquet, which will adorn and perfume his beloved memory better than the graveyard flowers adorn and perfume the bit of earth in which he sleeps.
For the flowers of which the bouquet that I shall make will be composed I will gather, one by one, in the garden of my heart,—in the garden of my heart, where not only grow the mortal flowers of debauchery, but where bloom also the great white lilies of love. _____
I remember that it was on a Saturday. At the employment-bureau in the Rue du Colisee, which I had visited regularly every morning for a week in search of a place, I was introduced to an old lady in mourning.
Never had I met a face more engaging, a look more gentle, manners more simple; never had I heard more winning words.
She received me with a great politeness that warmed my heart.
"My child," she said to me, "Mme. Paulhat-Durand [that was the name of the woman who kept the employment-bureau] has spoken to me of you in terms of the highest praise.
I believe that you deserve it, for you have an intelligent face, frank and gay, which pleases me greatly.
I am in need of a person worthy of trust and capable of devotion.
Devotion!
Ah! I know that I am asking a thing that it is not easy to give; for, after all, you do not know me, and you have no reason to be devoted to me. Let me explain to you my situation.
But do not remain standing, my child; come and sit down beside me."
The moment I am spoken to gently, the moment that I am not looked upon as a being outside of others and on the fringe of life, as something between a dog and a parrot, in that moment I am touched, and at once I feel the soul of my childhood reborn within me.
All my spite, all my hatred, all my spirit of rebellion, I forget as by a miracle, and toward the people who speak to me in a human fashion I feel no sentiments save those of sacrifice and love.
I know also, from experience, that it is only the unfortunate who place the suffering of the humble on a footing with their own.
There is always insolence and distance in the kindness of the fortunate.
When I had taken my seat beside this venerable lady in mourning, I already loved her; I really loved her.
She sighed:
"It is not a very gay place that I offer you, my child."
With a sincerity of enthusiasm that did not escape her, I earnestly protested:
"That does not matter, Madame. Anything that Madame may ask of me I will do."
And it was true. I was ready for anything.
She thanked me with a kind and tender look, and continued:
"Well, this is it. I have had many trials in my life. I have lost all of my family, with the exception of a grandson, who now, he also, is threatened with death from the terrible disease of which the others have died."
Fearing to pronounce the name of this terrible disease, she indicated it to me by placing upon her chest her old hand, gloved in black, and then, with a more painful expression, continued:
"Poor little fellow! He is a charming child, an adorable being, in whom I have placed my last hopes.
For, when he is gone, I shall be all alone.
And, my God! what shall I do upon earth?"
Her eyes filled with tears.
She wiped them away with her handkerchief, and went on:
"The doctors assure me that they can save him,—that the disease is not yet deep-seated. They have prescribed a regime from which they expect very good results.