"Let whom know it?" he said, egging him on.
"It's only you and me here; you mean Liputin?"
"Let every one know; all will know.
There is nothing secret that will not be made known.
He said so."
And he pointed with feverish enthusiasm to the image of the Saviour, before which a lamp was burning.
Pyotr Stepanovitch lost his temper completely.
"So you still believe in Him, and you've lighted the lamp; 'to be on the safe side,' I suppose?"
The other did not speak.
"Do you know, to my thinking, you believe perhaps more thoroughly than any priest."
"Believe in whom?
In Him?
Listen." Kirillov stood still, gazing before him with fixed and ecstatic look.
"Listen to a great idea: there was a day on earth, and in the midst of the earth there stood three crosses.
One on the Cross had such faith that he said to another,
'To-day thou shalt be with me in Paradise.'
The day ended; both died and passed away and found neither Paradise nor resurrection.
His words did not come true.
Listen: that Man was the loftiest of all on earth, He was that which gave meaning to life.
The whole planet, with everything on it, is mere madness without that Man.
There has never been any like Him before or since, never, up to a miracle.
For that is the miracle, that there never was or never will be another like Him.
And if that is so, if the laws of nature did not spare even Him, have not spared even their miracle and made even Him live in a lie and die for a lie, then all the planet is a lie and rests on a lie and on mockery.
So then, the very laws of the planet are a lie and the vaudeville of devils.
What is there to live for? Answer, if you are a man."
"That's a different matter.
It seems to me you've mixed up two different causes, and that's a very unsafe thing to do.
But excuse me, if you are God?
If the lie were ended and if you realised that all the falsity comes from the belief in that former God?"
"So at last you understand!" cried Kirillov rapturously.
"So it can be understood if even a fellow like you understands.
Do you understand now that the salvation for all consists in proving this idea to every one?
Who will prove it?
I!
I can't understand how an atheist could know that there is no God and not kill himself on the spot.
To recognise that there is no God and not to recognise at the same instant that one is God oneself is an absurdity, else one would certainly kill oneself.
If you recognise it you are sovereign, and then you won't kill yourself but will live in the greatest glory.
But one, the first, must kill himself, for else who will begin and prove it?
So I must certainly kill myself, to begin and prove it.
Now I am only a god against my will and I am unhappy, because I am bound to assert my will.
All are unhappy because all are afraid to express their will.
Man has hitherto been so unhappy and so poor because he has been afraid to assert his will in the highest point and has shown his self-will only in little things, like a schoolboy.
I am awfully unhappy, for I'm awfully afraid.
Terror is the curse of man.... But I will assert my will, I am bound to believe that I don't believe.
I will begin and will make an end of it and open the door, and will save.
That's the only thing that will save mankind and will re-create the next generation physically; for with his present physical nature man can't get on without his former God, I believe.
For three years I've been seeking for the attribute of my godhead and I've found it; the attribute of my godhead is self-will!
That's all I can do to prove in the highest point my independence and my new terrible freedom.
For it is very terrible.
I am killing myself to prove my independence and my new terrible freedom."