He found him, as usual, alone, and at the moment practising gymnastics, that is, standing with his legs apart, brandishing his arms above his head in a peculiar way.
On the floor lay a ball.
The tea stood cold on the table, not cleared since breakfast.
Pyotr Stepanovitch stood for a minute on the threshold.
"You are very anxious about your health, it seems," he said in a loud and cheerful tone, going into the room. "What a jolly ball, though; foo, how it bounces! Is that for gymnastics too?"
Kirillov put on his coat.
"Yes, that's for the good of my health too," he muttered dryly. "Sit down."
"I'm only here for a minute.
Still, I'll sit down.
Health is all very well, but I've come to remind you of our agreement.
The appointed time is approaching... in a certain sense," he concluded awkwardly.
"What agreement?"
"How can you ask?" Pyotr Stepanovitch was startled and even dismayed.
"It's not an agreement and not an obligation. I have not bound myself in any way; it's a mistake on your part."
"I say, what's this you're doing?" Pyotr Stepanovitch jumped up.
"What I choose."
"What do you choose?"
"The same as before."
"How am I to understand that?
Does that mean that you are in the same mind?"
"Yes.
Only there's no agreement and never has been, and I have not bound myself in any way.
I could do as I like and I can still do as I like."
Kirillov explained himself curtly and contemptuously.
"I agree, I agree; be as free as you like if you don't change your mind." Pyotr Stepanovitch sat down again with a satisfied air.
"You are angry over a word.
You've become very irritable of late; that's why I've avoided coming to see you, I was quite sure, though, you would be loyal."
"I dislike you very much, but you can be perfectly sure—though I don't regard it as loyalty and disloyalty."
"But do you know" (Pyotr Stepanovitch was startled again) "we must talk things over thoroughly again so as not to get in a muddle.
The business needs accuracy, and you keep giving me such shocks.
Will you let me speak?"
"Speak," snapped Kirillov, looking away.
"You made up your mind long ago to take your life... I mean, you had the idea in your mind.
Is that the right expression?
Is there any mistake about that?"
"I have the same idea still."
"Excellent.
Take note that no one has forced it on you."
"Rather not; what nonsense you talk."
"I dare say I express it very stupidly.
Of course, it would be very stupid to force anybody to it. I'll go on. You were a member of the society before its organisation was changed, and confessed it to one of the members."
"I didn't confess it, I simply said so."
"Quite so.
And it would be absurd to confess such a thing. What a confession!
You simply said so. Excellent."
"No, it's not excellent, for you are being tedious.
I am not obliged to give you any account of myself and you can't understand my ideas.
I want to put an end to my life, because that's my idea, because I don't want to be afraid of death, because... because there's no need for you to know. What do you want?
Would you like tea?
It's cold.