After this I remember little of what happened, except that as we rode away I saw her beloved face, wan and wistful, watching me departing out of her life.
For twenty years that sad and beautiful face haunted me, and it haunts me yet athwart life and death.
Other women have loved me and I have known other partings, some of them more terrible, but the memory of this woman as she was then, and of her farewell look, overruns them all.
Whenever I gaze down the past I see this picture framed in it and I know that it is one which cannot fade.
Are there any sorrows like these sorrows of our youth? Can any bitterness equal the bitterness of such good-byes?
I know but one of which I was fated to taste in after years, and that shall be told of in its place. It is a common jest to mock at early love, but if it be real, if it be something more than the mere arising of the passions, early love is late love also; it is love for ever, the best and worst event which can befall a man or woman.
I say it who am old and who have done with everything, and it is true.
One thing I have forgotten.
As we kissed and clung in our despair behind the bole of the great beech, Lily drew a ring from her finger and pressed it into my hand saying,
‘Look on this each morning when you wake, and think of me.’
It had been her mother’s, and to-day it still is set upon my withered hand, gleaming in the winter sunlight as I trace these words.
Through the long years of wild adventure, through all the time of after peace, in love and war, in the shine of the camp fire, in the glare of the sacrificial flame, in the light of lonely stars illumining the lonely wilderness, that ring has shone upon my hand, reminding me always of her who gave it, and on this hand it shall go down into the grave.
It is a plain circlet of thick gold, somewhat worn now, a posy-ring, and on its inner surface is cut this quaint couplet:
Heart to heart, Though far apart.
A fitting motto for us indeed, and one that has its meaning to this hour.
That same day of our farewell I rode with my father to Yarmouth.
My brother Geoffrey did not come with us, but we parted with kindly words, and of this I am glad, for we never saw each other again.
No more was said between us as to Lily Bozard and our wooing of her, though I knew well enough that so soon as my back was turned he would try to take my place at her side, as indeed happened.
I forgive it to him; in truth I cannot blame him much, for what man is there that would not have desired to wed Lily who knew her?
Once we were dear friends, Geoffrey and I, but when we ripened towards manhood, our love of Lily came between us, and we grew more and more apart.
It is a common case enough.
Well, as it chanced he failed, so why should I think unkindly of him?
Let me rather remember the affection of our childhood and forget the rest.
God rest his soul.
Mary, my sister, who after Lily Bozard was now the fairest maiden in the country side, wept much at my going. There was but a year between us, and we loved each other dearly, for no such shadow of jealousy had fallen on our affection.
I comforted her as well as I was able, and telling her all that had passed between me and Lily, I prayed her to stand my friend and Lily’s, should it ever be in her power to do so.
This Mary promised to do readily enough, and though she did not give the reason, I could see that she thought it possible that she might be able to help us.
As I have said, Lily had a brother, a young man of some promise, who at this time was away at college, and he and my sister Mary had a strong fancy for each other, that might or might not ripen into something closer.
So we kissed and bade farewell with tears.
And after that my father and I rode away.
But when we had passed down Pirnhow Street, and mounted the little hill beyond Waingford Mills to the left of Bungay town, I halted my horse, and looked back upon the pleasant valley of the Waveney where I was born, and my heart grew full to bursting.
Had I known all that must befall me, before my eyes beheld that scene again, I think indeed that it would have burst.
But God, who in his wisdom has laid many a burden upon the backs of men, has saved them from this; for had we foreknowledge of the future, I think that of our own will but few of us would live to see it.
So I cast one long last look towards the distant mass of oaks that marked the spot where Lily lived, and rode on.
On the following day I embarked on board the
‘Adventuress’ and we sailed.
Before I left, my father’s heart softened much towards me, for he remembered that I was my mother’s best beloved, and feared also lest we should meet no more.
So much did it soften indeed, that at the last hour he changed his mind and wished to hold me back from going.
But having put my hand to the plough and suffered all the bitterness of farewell, I would not return to be mocked by my brother and my neighbours.
‘You speak too late, father,’ I said.
‘You desired me to go to work this vengeance and stirred me to it with many bitter words, and now I would go if I knew that I must die within a week, for such oaths cannot be lightly broken, and till mine is fulfilled the curse rests on me.’
‘So be it, son,’ he answered with a sigh.
‘Your mother’s cruel death maddened me and I said what I may live to be sorry for, though at the best I shall not live long, for my heart is broken.
Perhaps I should have remembered that vengeance is in the hand of the Lord, who wreaks it at His own time and without our help.
Do not think unkindly of me, my boy, if we should chance to meet no more, for I love you, and it was but the deeper love that I bore to your mother which made me deal harshly with you.’
‘I know it, father, and bear no grudge.
But if you think that you owe me anything, pay it by holding back my brother from working wrong to me and Lily Bozard while I am absent.’
‘I will do my best, son, though were it not that you and she have grown so dear to each other, the match would have pleased me well.
But as I have said, I shall not be long here to watch your welfare in this or any other matter, and when I am gone things must follow their own fate.
Do not forget your God or your home wherever you chance to wander, Thomas: keep yourself from brawling, beware of women that are the snare of youth, and set a watch upon your tongue and your temper which is not of the best.