Do not think it a mere suspicion. I was far from having any.
I have not even the consolation of a doubt: I saw it. What can he say in his justification?—But what matters it to him?
He will not attempt it even.—Unhappy wretch!
What avail thy reproaches and thy tears?
He is not concerned about thee.
It is, then, too true, he has made me a sacrifice; he has even exposed me—and to whom?—To a vile creature.—But what do I say?
Ah! I have no right to despise her.
She has not broke through any ties; she is not so culpable as I am.
Oh! what grief can equal that which is followed by remorse!
I feel my torments increase.
Adieu, my dear friend! though I am unworthy your compassion, still you will have some left for me, if you can form an idea of my sufferings.
I have just read over my letter, and perceive it gives you no information.
I will endeavour to muster up resolution to relate this cruel event.
It was yesterday, I was to sup abroad for the first time since my return.
Valmont came to me at five; he never appeared so endearing: he did not seem pleased with my intention of going abroad; I immediately resolved to stay at home.
In two hours after, his air and tone changed visibly on a sudden.
I don't know any thing escaped me to displease him; however, he pretended to recollect business that obliged him to leave me, and went away; not without expressing a tender concern, which I then thought very sincere.
Being left alone, I resolved to fulfil my first engagement, as I was at liberty.
I finished my toilet, and got in my carriage.
Unfortunately my coachman drove by the opera, and my carriage was stopped in the crowd coming up. I perceived at a little distance before mine, and the range next to me, Valmont's carriage: my heart instantly palpitated, but not with fear; and my only wish was, that my carriage should get forward: instead of which, his was obliged to back close to mine.
I immediately looked out; but what was my astonishment to see beside him a well-known courtezan!
I drew back, as you may believe; I had seen enough to wound my heart: but what you will scarcely credit is, this same girl, being probably in his confidence, did not turn her eyes from me, and with repeated peals of laughter stared me out of countenance.
Notwithstanding my abject state, I suffered myself to be carried to the house where I was to sup.
I found it impossible to stay there long; every instant I was ready to faint, and could not refrain from tears.
At my return I wrote to M. de Valmont, and sent my letter immediately; he was not at home.
Being determined at all events to be relieved from this miserable state, or have it confirmed for ever, I sent the servant back, with orders to wait: before twelve he came home, telling me the coachman was returned, and had informed him, his master would not be home for the night.
This morning I thought it would be better to request he would give up my letters, and beg of him never to see me more.
I have given orders accordingly, but certainly they were useless. It is now near twelve; he has not yet appeared, nor have I received a line from him.
Now, my dear friend, I have nothing farther to add.
You are informed of every thing, and you know my heart.
My only hope is, I shall not long trouble your tender friendship.
Paris, Nov. 15, 17—. _____
LETTER CXXXVI.
The Presidente DE TOURVEL to the VISCOUNT DE VALMONT. _____
Certainly, Sir, after what passed yesterday, you do not expect I should see you again, and you as certainly do not desire it.
The intention of this note, then, is not so much to require you never to come near me more, as to call on you for my letters, which ought not to have existed.
If they could at any time have been interesting, as proofs of the infatuation you had occasioned, they must be, now that is dissipated, indifferent to you, as they were only proofs of a sentiment you have destroyed.
I own, I was very wrong in placing a confidence in you, of which so many before me have been victims; I accuse no one but myself: but I never thought I deserved to be exposed by you to contempt and insult.
I imagined, that making a sacrifice of every thing, and giving up for you my pretensions to the esteem of others, as also my own, I might have expected not to be treated by you with more severity than by the public, whose opinion always makes an immense difference between the weak and the depraved.
Those are the only wrongs I shall mention.
I shall be silent on those of love, as your heart would not understand mine.
Farewell, Sir!
Paris, Nov. 15, 17—. _____
LETTER CXXXVII.
VISCOUNT DE VALMONT to the Presidente DE TOURVEL. _____
This instant only have I received your letter, Madam.
I could not read it without shuddering, and have scarcely strength to answer it.
What a horrible opinion have you, then, conceived of me!
Doubtless, I have my faults, and such as I shall never forgive myself, if even you should hide them with your indulgence.
But how distant from my thoughts are those you reproach me!