Is it not curious, that I should have reason to complain of love?
You see I give into your ideas, and confess my errors.
If not to be able to exist without the possession of what we desire, if to sacrifice time, pleasure, and life for it, then am I really in love; and I have made no progress.
I should not even have a word to say to you on the subject, but for an accident that racks my imagination, and leaves me in suspense between hope and fear.
You know my huntsman; a treasure of intrigue, and a true valet as ever dramatic pen drew.
You may conceive he had it in his instructions to be in love with the waiting-maid, and make the servants drunk.
The rascal is happier than his master; he has already succeeded; and has just discovered that Madame de Tourvel has appointed one of her people to observe me, and even to follow me in my morning excursions, as much as possible, without being perceived.
What does this woman mean?
Thus, then, the most virtuous of them will venture to do things, that one of us would not dare think on!
Well, I swear—but before I think of being revenged for this female artifice, I will endeavour to convert it to my advantage.
Hitherto those suspected excursions had no view; I must give them one.
This deserves my utmost attention, and I quit you to reflect on it.
Adieu, my charming friend!
Always from the Castle of ——, Aug. 15, 17—. _____
LETTER XVI.
CECILIA VOLANGES to SOPHIA CARNAY. _____
Ah, Sophia, I have a deal of news!
But may be I should not tell you: I must tell it, however, to somebody, I can't keep it.
Chevalier Danceny—I'm in such trouble, I can't write; I don't know where to begin.
Since the agreeable evening that I related to you I spent at Mamma's (The letter that is mentioned here was not found; but there is reason to believe that it is that Madame de Merteuil mentions in her letter which Cecilia Volanges refers to) , with him and Madame de Merteuil, I said no more of him: that was because I resolved not to say any more of him to any one; but I was always thinking of him notwithstanding.
Since that, he is become so melancholy, that it makes me uneasy; and when I asked him the reason, he answered me he was not so, but I could plainly see he was.
He was yesterday more so than usual; that did not, however, prevent him from singing with his usual complaisance; but every time he looked at me, my heart was ready to break.
After we had done singing, he locked up my harpsichord; and bringing me the key, begged I would play again in the evening when I was alone.
I had no suspicion of any thing; I even refused him: but he insisted so much, that I promised I would.
He had his reasons for it.
When I retired to my room, and my maid was gone, I went to my harpsichord.
I found hid among the strings an unsealed letter from him.
Ah, if you did but know all he writes!
Since I read his letter, I am in such raptures I can think of nothing else.
I read it over four times running, and then locked it in my desk. I got it by heart; and when I laid down I repeated it so often, I could not think of sleeping; as soon as I shut my eyes, I thought I saw him, telling me every thing I had just read.
I did not sleep till very late; and, as soon as I awoke, (though it was very early,) I got up for the letter, to read it at my leisure; I took it into bed, and began to kiss it; as if——but may be I did wrong to kiss a letter thus, but I could not help it.
Now, my dear friend, if I am very well pleased, I am also very much troubled; for certainly I must not answer it.
I know that must not be, and yet he urges it; and if I don't answer it, I am certain he will be again melancholy.
It is a great pity; what would you advise me to?
But you know no more than I.
I have a great mind to tell Madame de Merteuil, who has a great affection for me.
I wish I could console him; but I would not do any thing wrong.
We are taught good-nature, and yet we are forbid to follow its dictates, when a man is in question.
That I can't understand.
Is not a man our neighbour as well as a woman, and still more so?
For have we not a father as well as a mother, a brother as well as a sister, and there is the husband besides?
Yet if I was to do any thing that was not right, perhaps Mr. Danceny himself would no longer have a good opinion of me!
Oh, then I would rather he should be melancholy!
And I shall still be time enough; though he wrote yesterday, I am not obliged to write to-day; and I shall see Madame de Merteuil this evening, and if I can have so much resolution, I will tell her all.
Following her advice, I shall have nothing to reproach myself; and may be she may tell me I may give him a few words of answer, that he may not be melancholy.
I'm in great uneasiness!
Adieu! Be sure tell me what you think I ought to do.
Aug. 13, 17—. _____
LETTER XVII.
The CHEVALIER DANCENY to CECILIA VOLANGES. _____