I felt her trembling more.
I waited for what was yet to come, and I now thought I began to know what it was.
"And something else supports me, Esther."
She stopped a minute. Stopped speaking only; her hand was still in motion.
"I look forward a little while, and I don't know what great aid may come to me.
When Richard turns his eyes upon me then, there may be something lying on my breast more eloquent than I have been, with greater power than mine to show him his true course and win him back."
Her hand stopped now.
She clasped me in her arms, and I clasped her in mine.
"If that little creature should fail too, Esther, I still look forward.
I look forward a long while, through years and years, and think that then, when I am growing old, or when I am dead perhaps, a beautiful woman, his daughter, happily married, may be proud of him and a blessing to him.
Or that a generous brave man, as handsome as he used to be, as hopeful, and far more happy, may walk in the sunshine with him, honouring his grey head and saying to himself,
'I thank God this is my father!
Ruined by a fatal inheritance, and restored through me!'"
Oh, my sweet girl, what a heart was that which beat so fast against me!
"These hopes uphold me, my dear Esther, and I know they will.
Though sometimes even they depart from me before a dread that arises when I look at Richard."
I tried to cheer my darling, and asked her what it was.
Sobbing and weeping, she replied,
"That he may not live to see his child."
CHAPTER LXI
A Discovery
The days when I frequented that miserable corner which my dear girl brightened can never fade in my remembrance.
I never see it, and I never wish to see it now; I have been there only once since, but in my memory there is a mournful glory shining on the place which will shine for ever.
Not a day passed without my going there, of course.
At first I found Mr. Skimpole there, on two or three occasions, idly playing the piano and talking in his usual vivacious strain.
Now, besides my very much mistrusting the probability of his being there without making Richard poorer, I felt as if there were something in his careless gaiety too inconsistent with what I knew of the depths of Ada's life.
I clearly perceived, too, that Ada shared my feelings.
I therefore resolved, after much thinking of it, to make a private visit to Mr. Skimpole and try delicately to explain myself.
My dear girl was the great consideration that made me bold.
I set off one morning, accompanied by Charley, for Somers Town.
As I approached the house, I was strongly inclined to turn back, for I felt what a desperate attempt it was to make an impression on Mr. Skimpole and how extremely likely it was that he would signally defeat me.
However, I thought that being there, I would go through with it.
I knocked with a trembling hand at Mr. Skimpole's door-- literally with a hand, for the knocker was gone--and after a long parley gained admission from an Irishwoman, who was in the area when I knocked, breaking up the lid of a water-butt with a poker to light the fire with.
Mr. Skimpole, lying on the sofa in his room, playing the flute a little, was enchanted to see me.
Now, who should receive me, he asked.
Who would I prefer for mistress of the ceremonies?
Would I have his Comedy daughter, his Beauty daughter, or his Sentiment daughter?
Or would I have all the daughters at once in a perfect nosegay?
I replied, half defeated already, that I wished to speak to himself only if he would give me leave.
"My dear Miss Summerson, most joyfully! Of course," he said, bringing his chair nearer mine and breaking into his fascinating smile, "of course it's not business.
Then it's pleasure!"
I said it certainly was not business that I came upon, but it was not quite a pleasant matter.
"Then, my dear Miss Summerson," said he with the frankest gaiety, "don't allude to it.
Why should you allude to anything that is NOT a pleasant matter?
I never do.
And you are a much pleasanter creature, in every point of view, than I.
You are perfectly pleasant; I am imperfectly pleasant; then, if I never allude to an unpleasant matter, how much less should you!
So that's disposed of, and we will talk of something else."
Although I was embarrassed, I took courage to intimate that I still wished to pursue the subject.
"I should think it a mistake," said Mr. Skimpole with his airy laugh, "if I thought Miss Summerson capable of making one.