You were nothing to me once, and I was contented; you are now nothing to me again, and how different the second nothing is from the first!
Would to God you had never taken me up, since it was only to throw me down!"
Bathsheba, in spite of her mettle, began to feel unmistakable signs that she was inherently the weaker vessel.
She strove miserably against this feminity which would insist upon supplying unbidden emotions in stronger and stronger current.
She had tried to elude agitation by fixing her mind on the trees, sky, any trivial object before her eyes, whilst his reproaches fell, but ingenuity could not save her now.
"I did not take you up — surely I did not!" she answered as heroically as she could.
"But don't be in this mood with me.
I can endure being told I am in the wrong, if you will only tell it me gently!
O sir, will you not kindly forgive me, and look at it cheerfully?"
"Cheerfully!
Can a man fooled to utter heart- burning find a reason for being merry If I have lost, how can I be as if I had won?
Heavens you must be heartless quite!
Had I known what a fearfully bitter sweet this was to be, how would I have avoided you, and never seen you, and been deaf of you.
I tell you all this, but what do you care!
You don't care."
She returned silent and weak denials to his charges, and swayed her head desperately, as if to thrust away the words as they came showering about her ears from the lips of the trembling man in the climax of life, with his bronzed Roman face and fine frame.
"Dearest, dearest, I am wavering even now between the two opposites of recklessly renouncing you, and labouring humbly for you again.
Forget that you have said No, and let it be as it was!
Say, Bathsheba, that you only wrote that refusal to me in fun — come, say it to me!"
"It would be untrue, and painful to both of us.
You overrate my capacity for love.
I don't possess half the warmth of nature you believe me to have.
An unprotected childhood in a cold world has beaten gentleness out of me."
He immediately said with more resentment:
"That may be true, somewhat; but ah, Miss Everdene, it won't do as a reason!
You are not the cold woman you would have me believe.
No, no!
It isn't because you have no feeling in you that you don't love me.
You naturally would have me think so — you would hide from that you have a burning heart like mine.
You have love enough, but it is turned into a new channel.
I know where."
The swift music of her heart became hubbub now, and she throbbed to extremity.
He was coming to Troy.
He did then know what had occurred!
And the name fell from his lips the next moment.
"Why did Troy not leave my treasure alone?" he asked, fiercely.
"When I had no thought of injuring him, why did he force himself upon your notice!
Before he worried you your inclination was to have me; when next I should have come to you your answer would have been Yes.
Can you deny it — I ask, can you deny it?"
She delayed the reply, but was to honest to with hold it."
I cannot." she whispered.
"I know you cannot.
But he stole in in my absence and robbed me.
Why did't he win you away before, when nobody would have been grieved? — when nobody would have been set tale-bearing.
Now the people sneer at me — the very hills and sky seem to laugh at me till I blush shamefuly for my folly.
I have lost my respect, my good name, my standing — lost it, never to get it again.
Go and marry your man — go on!"
"O sir — Mr. Boldwood!"
"You may as well.
I have no further claim upon you.